When trying to explain Michigan, land of my Phillips ancestors, to people here in Tennessee, I have said that Michigan is the Arkansas of the north — so fucking beautiful it hurts to look at it, yet full of people who will shoot you for fun and then claim they thought you were a bear.
But now Michigan seems to have set its sights on becoming the Tennessee of the North. Within the past two weeks, Michigan has discovered a recording Elvis — yes, our Elvis, Elvis from Memphis, Tennessee — allegedly made in Detroit shortly before his death. And they're sending love letters to Jack Daniels — "Oh, Jack Daniel's, we love you so much. If mean old Tennessee wants to charge you a barrel tax, just move here, where we'll never tax you and our state legislature will spend all day singing songs about how great you are. Songs written by Elvis Presley and recorded in a studio here in Detroit, because we love you. Love, Michigan." (I paraphrase, slightly.)
People, they sent Jack Daniel's caramel corn. What's next? Red ranger cookies?
If Michigan sends Jack Daniel's red ranger cookies, forget it. We might as well just throw ourselves on the mercy of George Dickel because we are going to lose Jack Daniel's. Perhaps our only saving grace is that my grandma isn't alive to make them and I'm sure no one else's grandmas' cookies are quite that good.
But the point still stands: Haslam needs to divert some state troopers to our northern border to keep Michigan from sneaking off with our good stuff. Because at this point, they're barely sneaking. In fact, they're being pretty brazen about it.