Thursday, November 17, 2011
Garrigan An Open Letter to Gov. Bill Haslam, the Great Journalistic Benefactor
Posted by Liz Garrigan on Thu, Nov 17, 2011 at 4:11 PM
Are you The Great Pumpkin? Santa? Or did one of them send you?
Because what you have given journalists is nothing short of wondrous. In fact, you have singlehandedly made me question my choice to quit the profession. And not just because of that vaguely pretty boy face of yours. (Yeah, baby, you’ve got a little something. Crissy’s not the only one who’s noticed. But take it with a grain of salt: I think Art Garfunkel is hot.)
I was once the editor of this newspaper. And I left. Damn it, I left. Then a little time passed, Crissy smiled for 10 months straight, you were elected, and finally, because of some combination of self-destructive political malpractice, constitutional ignorance and tragically (for you) incompetent advisers, your Tennessee Highway Patrol goons went and arrested citizens lawfully expressing their right to protest in a public space. Even richer, they roughed-up and cuffed a baby-faced journalist working honestly and diligently in the freezing cold for really crappy money.
And then, praise be, you defended it, claiming something that not one human being or authority on the planet could confirm: that the reporter was publicly intoxicated. From ink-and-Internet-cookie-stained wretches everywhere: Thank you, thank you, thank you. It was so beautiful, governor. It contained all the ruinous, mean-spirited, wrong-headed government overreach that every red-blooded journalist prays for. Not as citizens, mind you. But as storytellers.
In fact, your Occupy Nashville crackdown, deemed unlawful by both night court and federal judges, was the first story since my erstwhile editorship that made me wish I’d clung to that job with the same tenacity you defended — for a cringe-inducing length of time, otherwise known as lots and lots of news cycles — your horrible misjudgment. It may not have felt like it to him when he was mid-perp walk, but Nashville Scene reporter Jonathan Meador — though very talented even without the aid of a governor serving him a juicy career enhancer on a silver platter — was presented with the best damn Halloween treat of his life. If his career were a goody bag, he got a king-sized Snickers bar with a Benjamin and a joint taped to it, courtesy of you and yours, governor. Which is exactly what I would have told him if I’d had the chance to take him out for an actual public intoxication.
Oh, the laughs and frivolity you supplied! I bet even newsroom rivalries evaporated over this story, so “Kumbaya” it was for journalists. At Christmas, when your people lay out the big cocktail shrimp and bar for the Capitol Hill Press Corps party at the executive residence, you can have a few gin and tonics and pretend to look back on the whole episode as though it were a big misunderstanding. If it comes up and everyone’s laughing, and then someone spills a drink on your shoe because he’s so buckled over at the thought of the whole debacle, just remember: They aren’t laughing with you; they’re laughing at you.
Meanwhile, locals weren’t the only beneficiaries of your administration’s sweet, sweet incompetence. Meador’s jailhouse encounter gave lots of outlets the occasion for righteous indignation. CNN weighed in, as did The Huffington Post, Gawker and Romenesko. The Chattanooga Times Free Press even likened you to a “petty Balkan dictator.” For what it’s worth, governor, your smile is much nicer than any petty Balkan dictator I’m familiar with. So take heart.
Finally, governor, I just want to say that this space doesn’t fill itself. Except when you act like someone even the hapless Ron Ramsey could mentor. For that, from the bottom of our beer glasses, we thank you.
Comments (18)
Showing 1-18 of 18
You know, Liz, as empty a suit as Haslam is, and as mirth-provoking his ineptness can be, and as as amusing as his inability to be top dog in his own administration (as long as Daddy and the Lt. Gov. are actually in charge)....
If the current GOP Presidential field cannot make you regret getting out of journalism, I don't know what could. Bill Haslam is only an oarsman on the Ship of Fools, wandering as aimlessly as the crew of Odessyus.
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The liberal agenda for the past thirty years has been like a great ship of fools and it's situations like this - protesters and media both - that helped to understand why half the passengers have jumped ship in the foreign ports of independents and conservatism in spite of liberal control of most of the media and the great majority of our educational facilities. You just don't get it and you never will.
Gast, the obsession with the OWS is getting a bit strained amongst the posters and the SCENE as the common folk fail to rally.. Now we have this female woman returning to the fray, dripping with liberal arrogance, a smart alec who got her just desserts with conservative victories across the country but can't quite take it in yet. Not only that I think she smokes cigarettes, correct? That is the thing I always think of when the SCENESTERS are giving advice to the common man. I have no idea where LG is headed tonight but I wish there were a few thousand OWS'ers out there and to hold her up a couple of hours a la NYC's bridge. Serve her right. Maybe even have a car load of the SCENE staff.
John makes an excellent point: this article WAS written, in point of fact, by a female woman. One must always take care to avoid the dreaded female woman and instead rally behind its obvious and virtuous counterpart: the male woman.
Thanks be to John for keeping the Scene's online comment section educatingly educated and free from oppressive oppression.
@john: Congratulations on perhaps the most idiotic comment ever written on Pith. But I'm sure you'll reset the bar soon enough.
I have to cut John some slack on that "female woman" thing. One time when I hadn't had much sleep, I wrote a paragraph that included the phrase "male nephew." What's worse, an editor saw it.
I'm sorry, Pinko, but others have already bestowed that honor upon moi. I refuse to give it up.
Tennessee hasn't had a governor this potentially self-destructive since Ray Blanton. Think of it: Ray Blanton with money.
"An Open Letter to"---boy is that an attention grabber! Liz, you did do the
right thing by leaving. It's like working for a government agency, you too
will become a Zombie like the rest adopting the lazy habits and intellect of
the peers. I note that there's never any request by the "Occupy" groups that
this President call on his Attorney General to check into any of the matters
they are so vigorously protesting. Maybe that's because AG Holder has
already declared those Wall Street leaders as donors versus defendants!
The funniest thing is that Liz thinks journalism is a "profession".
If nothing else, john reminded me of one of my favorite songs, "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Female Woman."
No, no... I wrote "female woman" deliberately. It's just that you never know these days. I have seen pictures of her which led to this conclusion.
"What's worse, an editor saw it."
And, even worse, Liz didn't change it.
I'm sure you know Liz was not that editor, but why spoil a good punchline?
