So, BREAKING NEWS, EVERYONE: The pastor who said that stupid-ass prayer at a NASCAR race in Nashville this weekend has "defended" his use of the term "smokin' hot" to describe his wife. That was closure I really, really needed. I mean, I can't think of a SINGLE REASON why media dudes are fixated on the "smokin' hot wife" part of this steamin' pile of a "prayer," but bless 'em. Joe Nelms has truly entered the pantheon of sporty dudes we barely cared about before they mentioned their hot-ass wives — like an older, schlubbier Kris Benson! And goodness knows everybody loves a modded Ricky Bobby quote. (Also: Great job taking a caricature of Southern imbecility and making it not seem like a caricature at all!)
But now let's get past how smokin' hot Joe Nelms' wife is (apparently) and imagining her in a smokin' hot checkered-flag bikini, rubbing ice on her neck while moaning about gapping her plugs. Let's get to the part of this prayer that is actually offensive, which is most of it! (I've redacted the product placements — always appropriate when invoking God's boy — so as not to give them any more free press. Unedited version is embedded below.) "Thank you for the [brand names] and the [brand names]. Thank you for the [brand names], and most of all we thank you for [brand name] and [brand name] partnering to give us the power that we see before us tonight. Thank you for [brand name] performance technology and the [trademark name] engines. Thank you for [brand name] racing fuel and [brand name] tires that bring performance and power to the track."
Yeah. Hey, on second thought, I guess this is exactly how baby Jesus of NASCAR-eth would want it. God bless America!