Thursday, March 24, 2011

Ladies, Make Your Man Happy! Sign Up for Vanderbilt's "Football 101 for Women" Clinic!

Posted By on Thu, Mar 24, 2011 at 10:45 AM

Ladies, do you get frustrated when your man and his buddies sit around Saturday afternoon watching college football — and all you can do is make the sandwiches and try to look pretty for them while you come in to refresh their beer supply?

Well, your local university (and SEC powerhouse) Vanderbilt is here to help! In what may be one of the greatest steps forward for the weaker sex since the women's suffrage movement, the Vanderbilt athletics department is offering VUFB 101: 2011 Vanderbilt Football Women's Clinic!

That's right! According to the press release on Vanderbilt's website, "VUFB 101 is specifically designed for Vanderbilt's female fans to learn the basics of college football and become the most knowledgeable fans in the country." Awwwww!

The clinic will include presentations on:

• Offensive & Defensive Strategies
• Team Equipment
• Strength & Conditioning
• Football Rules

Participants can also observe one of Vanderbilt's spring football practices and attend a Q& A with Vanderbilt Head Football Coach James Franklin.

Participants will receive:

• Clinic gifts
• Door prizes
• Certificate of completion
• Lunch in the nation's best training table with Chef Majid "Magic" Noori
• A photo with Vanderbilt Head Football Coach James Franklin

And, remember ladies, as the press release states, "Please wear comfortable clothing and shoes to this event." We know you want to look good for the boys on the field, so maybe just split the difference between comfortable and totally hot.

OK, seriously, do we really need to explain why this is ridiculous? I know we live in a red state in the Bible Belt and all, and things like women's reproductive rights, sexual harassment and fair pay aren't high on many Tennesseans' agendas — but still, this is just wrong on so many levels.

Clearly the creators of this "clinic" have never met Lee Stabert. A former Scene staffer, Lee now lives in her hometown of Philadelphia (go Eagles!), and she could give John Madden a run for his money on the merits of the nickel defense.

And they've never met my mother, a devout Browns fan since moving to Cleveland in 1946. She's been known to question the offensive play selection and scream when the coach wastes a timeout. Oh, and yell "Shit!" at the top of her lungs as only a lifelong Cleveland sports fan knows how.

Not to mention that several of my male co-workers know less about football than Karl Dean knows about hair styling. You heard me correctly — right here at the Scene! (No, not me! I ain't no America-hating commie pinko. I'm just saying that I know a few, here at work.)

Honestly, the concept of a clinic for fans in general is a fine idea. Why bother with the "for women" thing? Unless you want to sound ridiculously antiquated and out of touch?

As one disgruntled Vanderbilt employee explained it, "Not an appropriate event for a 'top-tier' university, let alone one Chancellor Zeppos has called 'one of the most dynamic, exhilarating and relevant higher learning institutions in the nation.' "

At least this is one women's clinic that won't have right-wing nutjobs protesting out front.

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