Get this: It's women! But playing football! But only wearing lingerie! But they're hot! And it's been inspiring quarter-chubs in cities as exciting as Tampa for months. Months. For any women athletes who think this is some kind of insult to the seriousness of your athleticism, you must have not gotten "The Handbook" about "The World." Repeat this to yourself whenever you have any doubts about your importance in the world of sports: Even though women can be athletes, too, it doesn't actually count unless you're hot enough for men to care. Again: Even though women can be athletes, too, it doesn't actually count unless you're hot enough for men to care.
Luckily, founder Mitchell Mortaza, who hopes to bring this sport-lover's sport of pussies and pigskins to Nashville, understands the shit out of this. According to a story in The Tennessean, he said Music City was the “perfect market,’’ and that Bridgestone Arena would be “the right venue’’ for the sport. You can't argue with that. Nashville is indeed a city and Bridgestone is in fact a venue, which makes us the perfect candidate for this wholesome, Hooter-ific breed of fun. And it is fun. If you don't think it's fun, you're ugly. And fat. (The story failed to mention that the league has drawn criticism for fining its players for wearing too many clothes and refusing to pay its members' medical bills. They also can't wear actual bras and panties under their uniforms so as not to inhibit "accidental nudity." Schwing-a-ma-schwing-schwing-schwing!!!!!)
But what Mitchell Mortaza didn't need to say is that Nashville is full of men. Men who love football. Men who hate ugly. And, these men love bangin' bods. You know, bods that look like women's bods? Not like a bunch of chicks who look like dudes. These are women! And just between you and me, there's always the chance that they might, you know, go crazy on each other and start ripping into each other, like in some all-out sexy brawl. What if it could turn into, like, this chick-on-chick orgy? Music City is definitely the perfect market for that.
Mitchell Mortaza, that you would see such a need for this in our fair city and want to bring it here — well, if I may go ahead and prematurely suggest it, I'd like to go ahead and nominate you for Nashvillian of the Year.
By the way, lest some of you humorless feminazis think this whole Lingerie Football thing is just some kind of beauty pageant — it ain't. As he told The Tennessean: “Our girls come from all walks of life, and they are 100 percent former college athletes,’’ he said, acknowledging that one of the requirements to play “is to be beautiful, but they also have to be athletic, they can’t be beautiful and just be prancing around.’’ See? Definitive argument-settler.
But as exciting as the possibility of a really sexy hot chick (faces don't count) tackling another hot chick really is, none of this is anywhere near as exciting as the chance fans will have to NAME THE TEAM. In other cities, they're called classy things like Chicago Bliss, San Diego Seduction, Dallas Desire, and, as a woman who emits the occasional light spray of sensual moisture myself, my personal favorite: Seattle Mist. You know, they're names that are fun, seductive, sexy, exciting and titillating. Names that make us all as a unified culture who love sexy women reflect excitedly on how hot women can be when they do things we only like to watch men do seriously, but take those activities and make them fun and sexy with their sexiness. That's America. That's football.
After the jump, our best ideas for the team name.
Nashville Bone Patrol
Nashville Boner Bunnies
Nashville Tits and Ass
Nashville Chub 'em Ups
Nashville Hey Look at Us, We'll get You So Hard While You're Watching Football
Nashville Me So Horny
Nashville Hey I'm a Gross Pathetic Dude Please Look At Me