Tuesday, December 21, 2010

America-Hating Methodists: Phillips (Interviews Phillipses) on Phillips

Posted By on Tue, Dec 21, 2010 at 10:35 AM

Sure, he looks like a friendly grandpa, but is he secretly a Marxist out to ruin America?
  • Sure, he looks like a friendly grandpa, but is he secretly a Marxist out to ruin America?
Ex-Methodist and self-declared Tea Party leader, Judson Phillips has some harsh words for the United Methodist Church, which he believes should cease to exist, the sooner the better.

He says, "I grew up in the Methodist church. I left as a teenager because the Methodist Church is little more than the first Church of Karl Marx." and "In short, if you hate America, you have a great future in the Methodist church."

I read this and I had to immediately call my dad and ask him about this. After all, he has not only spent 65 years as a Methodist, he spent the majority of his life as a Methodist minister. If anyone was going to have the inside scoop on the America-destroying agenda of the Methodist church, it would be him.

"Dad."

"Yes, Betsy."

"As a Methodist, are you destroying America?"

"I'm retired now. I'm not allowed to do anything."

"But do you think Methodists are destroying America?"

"Listen, if following blindly is patriotic, then no, you don't want to be a Methodist, because we encourage people to think. The Methodist church is the first American denomination. Wesley founded the movement, but the church has its roots here. So, if America declines, the church will decline with it."

Well, that was a funny and thought-provoking interview. But I have to tell you, I come from a huge family. I could interview Phillipses about Methodism until bedtime and any one of them could be a secret America-ruining Marxist. I didn't have all night, but I decided to take a smaller sample — B. Phillipses in my family.

I started with my brother, the youngest B. Phillips.

"Are you a Methodist?"

"I consider myself a Methodist, even though I don't go to church."

"Follow up question: Are you trying to break your dad's heart by not attending church?"

"What? No. It's not my fault football is on Sunday."

"Are you a Marxist?"

"I mean, maybe. I don't see Marx as a prophet. He just looked a the industrial age and described how societies would function."

"Are you destroying America?"

"I do my best."

"Any other comments?"

"Uh, no. I was hoping for a more in-depth interview. I'm not really going to persuade your readers Methodists aren't out to destroy America with these stupid questions."

I then called our middle brother, another B. Phillips, down in Georgia.

"Are you a Methodist?"

"Yes."

"Are you a Marxist?"

"Uh, what's that? Communist-type shit? I believe in some of that stuff, but if he's talking about that shit Lenin did, that shit's bad."

"Are you destroying America?"

"I'm really trying my best, but there's a lot of competition. The Southern Baptists and the Republicans seem to have that under control here."

Then, I called my Republican Uncle B. Phillips up in Michigan.

"Are you a Methodist?"

"I am a Methodist."

"Are you a Marxist?"

"A what? A socialist Marxist? No."

"Are you destroying America?"

"Only when I break wind. So, if you count air pollution, yes. Otherwise, I am working to build a better America. Listen, yes, the church has a liberal hierarchy. It's been this way since day one under Wesley. But God doesn't care how you vote. That's all baloney. He doesn't care about man-made divisions."

And then, I called my mom, who is, yes, I am not even kidding, another B. Phillips.

"Hi, Mom. Are you a Methodist?"

"Yes."

"Are you a Marxist?"

"[Laughter] I don't even know what a Marxist is. Is that something from the 1920s? I've missed all the important things."

"Are you destroying America?"

"As fast as I can. Don't put that in there. No, I'm having enough trouble destroying our family. I've started small."

So, there you go. A somewhat random sampling of Phillipses, who, unlike Judson Phillips, are still Methodists and who, in spite of what J. Phillips says, are mostly not Marxists and who are only jokingly trying to destroy the country. If Judson Phillips has managed to uncover the secret Methodist agenda, it's so secret that not only don't other Methodists know about it, even other Phillipses are in the dark.

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