Thursday, March 11, 2010

Service Cares for Pets Orphaned Due to the Rapture

Posted By on Thu, Mar 11, 2010 at 1:38 PM

click to enlarge He's coming for you, not Alfonse. Plan ahead.
  • He's coming for you, not Alfonse. Plan ahead.

When the Rapture comes and the Tennessee faithful go to Jesus, what will become of Princess, your teacup chihuahua, or Alfonse the iguana?

They'll starve to death, that's what -- left to wander the sad-sack halls of an empty home recently vacated by owners whose souls have been Raptured from their mortal coils. While you inherit the Kingdom, Princess is chewing on your leather belt.

Fortunately for residents of the Bible-Belt Buckle, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets has you covered. These entrepreneurial unbelievers will care for the pets of the Raptured in 22 states, from Massachusetts to Washington -- Sorry New Yorkers and Californians. Business in these states, as we all know, simply doesn't justify the expense. Mississippi, Tennessee and Kentucky, however, are fecund with Faithful. Bart Centre, creator, co-owner and author, tells Pith he has two clients in Nashville and more than 100 clients across the country.

Here's how it works:

For $110, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets will guarantee that your pet will be cared for should the Rapture occur within 10 years of receipt of payment. A network of sworn atheists -- or at the very least those who have "blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29" -- will rescue your pet within 18 to 24 hours of the rapture, and care for it as though it were their own. The service does not extend to larger animals, though in New Hampshire, Vermont, Idaho and Montana, they're equipped to care for llamas, donkeys, horses and camels.

Read the fine print. The service is, of course, non-refundable. If you find yourself among the Left Behind, well, that sucks. If you lose your faith before the Rapture comes, too bad. You're not getting your money back.

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