Thursday, March 11, 2010
Crazy Crap / Hargrove Service Cares for Pets Orphaned Due to the Rapture
Posted by Brantley Hargrove on Thu, Mar 11, 2010 at 1:38 PM
When the Rapture comes and the Tennessee faithful go to Jesus, what will become of Princess, your teacup chihuahua, or Alfonse the iguana?
They'll starve to death, that's what -- left to wander the sad-sack halls of an empty home recently vacated by owners whose souls have been Raptured from their mortal coils. While you inherit the Kingdom, Princess is chewing on your leather belt.
Fortunately for residents of the Bible-Belt Buckle, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets has you covered. These entrepreneurial unbelievers will care for the pets of the Raptured in 22 states, from Massachusetts to Washington -- Sorry New Yorkers and Californians. Business in these states, as we all know, simply doesn't justify the expense. Mississippi, Tennessee and Kentucky, however, are fecund with Faithful. Bart Centre, creator, co-owner and author, tells Pith he has two clients in Nashville and more than 100 clients across the country.
Here's how it works:
For $110, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets will guarantee that your pet will be cared for should the Rapture occur within 10 years of receipt of payment. A network of sworn atheists -- or at the very least those who have "blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29" -- will rescue your pet within 18 to 24 hours of the rapture, and care for it as though it were their own. The service does not extend to larger animals, though in New Hampshire, Vermont, Idaho and Montana, they're equipped to care for llamas, donkeys, horses and camels.
Read the fine print. The service is, of course, non-refundable. If you find yourself among the Left Behind, well, that sucks. If you lose your faith before the Rapture comes, too bad. You're not getting your money back.
Comments (12)
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Anyone who's read any Cormac McCarthy knows that when things get bad, the people charged with caring for your pets will inevitably turn to eating them. Duh. Good luck wasting your money on a group that will only end up dining on Fluffy anyway.
Bluth, the pagan? All Dogs Do NOT Go To Heaven, sir, and to suggest otherwise is blasphemy!
On a serious note, Don Bluth is probably responsible for confusing an entire generation of Christian children.
So if Walter Jowers did this story in the Scene on February 25, is this recycling, flattery, or ???
Link provided. Thanks, Terence.
I eagerly await Don Bluth's sequel, All Cats Go to Hell.
By God that makes just as much sense as cryogenic preservation of cadavers intended for resurrection whenever what killed them can be cured. Do they accept Mastercard and Visa? How about funeral/memorial services when the pets pass on. What kind of burial can I expect for Poopsie and Precious? Or will they just get tossed in the dumpster?
And just exactly how the hell do you know dawgs don't go to heaven, Hargrove? You been there and checked it out?
Contact health clubs or other organizations you have joined. Ask how to move, sell, or end your membership.
I first read about this last summer, I think. One of the first thoughts that occurred to me was, if the pet caretakers failed to fulfill their obligations, how would the contract be enforceable?
Presumably, the raptured person's estate would be able to sue. What kind of estate, though, would the court create? Not a decedent's estate, because the departed would not be deceased. And if an absentee estate is created, what would the court instruct the conservator to do?
