Get this: It's women! But playing football! But only wearing lingerie! But they're hot! And it's been inspiring quarter-chubs in cities as exciting as Tampa for months. Months. For any women athletes who think this is some kind of insult to the seriousness of your athleticism, you must have not gotten "The Handbook" about "The World." Repeat this to yourself whenever you have any doubts about your importance in the world of sports: Even though women can be athletes, too, it doesn't actually count unless you're hot enough for men to care. Again: Even though women can be athletes, too, it doesn't actually count unless you're hot enough for men to care.
Luckily, founder Mitchell Mortaza, who hopes to bring this sport-lover's sport of pussies and pigskins to Nashville, understands the shit out of this. According to a story in The Tennessean, he said Music City was the “perfect market,’’ and that Bridgestone Arena would be “the right venue’’ for the sport. You can't argue with that. Nashville is indeed a city and Bridgestone is in fact a venue, which makes us the perfect candidate for this wholesome, Hooter-ific breed of fun. And it is fun. If you don't think it's fun, you're ugly. And fat. (The story failed to mention that the league has drawn criticism for fining its players for wearing too many clothes and refusing to pay its members' medical bills. They also can't wear actual bras and panties under their uniforms so as not to inhibit "accidental nudity." Schwing-a-ma-schwing-schwing-schwing!!!!!)
But what Mitchell Mortaza didn't need to say is that Nashville is full of men. Men who love football. Men who hate ugly. And, these men love bangin' bods. You know, bods that look like women's bods? Not like a bunch of chicks who look like dudes. These are women! And just between you and me, there's always the chance that they might, you know, go crazy on each other and start ripping into each other, like in some all-out sexy brawl. What if it could turn into, like, this chick-on-chick orgy? Music City is definitely the perfect market for that.
Mitchell Mortaza, that you would see such a need for this in our fair city and want to bring it here — well, if I may go ahead and prematurely suggest it, I'd like to go ahead and nominate you for Nashvillian of the Year.
By the way, lest some of you humorless feminazis think this whole Lingerie Football thing is just some kind of beauty pageant — it ain't. As he told The Tennessean: “Our girls come from all walks of life, and they are 100 percent former college athletes,’’ he said, acknowledging that one of the requirements to play “is to be beautiful, but they also have to be athletic, they can’t be beautiful and just be prancing around.’’ See? Definitive argument-settler.
But as exciting as the possibility of a really sexy hot chick (faces don't count) tackling another hot chick really is, none of this is anywhere near as exciting as the chance fans will have to NAME THE TEAM. In other cities, they're called classy things like Chicago Bliss, San Diego Seduction, Dallas Desire, and, as a woman who emits the occasional light spray of sensual moisture myself, my personal favorite: Seattle Mist. You know, they're names that are fun, seductive, sexy, exciting and titillating. Names that make us all as a unified culture who love sexy women reflect excitedly on how hot women can be when they do things we only like to watch men do seriously, but take those activities and make them fun and sexy with their sexiness. That's America. That's football.
After the jump, our best ideas for the team name.
Scattered throughout the 1988 baseball gem, Crash time and again educates us (and Tim Robbins' Ebby "Nuke" LaLoosh) in the finer points of life, the universe and everything.
Of all of Crash's great thoughts (a personal favorite: "Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. And sometimes, it rains."), the truest may be this:
"A player on a streak has to respect the streak. You know why? Because they don't happen very often. If you believe you're playing well because you're getting laid or because you're not getting laid or because you're wearing women's underwear, then you are!"
It's a lesson the Nashville Predators are learning the hard way.
Really enjoyed and appreciated Martin Brady's review of Studio Tenn's production of A Christmas Carol ("God Bless Us Every One," Dec. 16) — except for Martin's little dig at Republicans' supposed lack of charitable generosity (likening them to stingy Ebenezer). The line would have been clever if it were even remotely factual. In truth, several studies have shown that conservatives and/or Republicans are quite charitable — and probably even MORE charitable as a group than their ideological counterparts on the Left. I would point to Nicholas Kristof's widely cited New York Times article on the subject as an example of a liberal writer conceding this point.
Phil Newman isn't the only person expressing such sentiments. In fact, no less than Ann Coulter, the famously unbiased and evenhanded political commentator, raised the same point in a column for Human Events, "Leading Conservative Media Since 1944." A brief teaser:
Jack Silverman in this week's Scene, tipping you to the coolest Christmas Day event we've heard about in years:
The Belcourt will be serving up a Chinese buffet courtesy of The International Market’s Patty Myint, followed by a film screening of I Love You Phillip Morris. And what screams “Christmas” more than a true tale about a gay con man who goes to ridiculous lengths to provide a happy home for his jailbird beloved? Hey, by Christmas Day, you’re probably so disgusted with It’s a Wonderful Christmas Story on 34th Street that you’re ready to shove that fuzzy red stocking up Blitzen’s wazoo, so this might be just what the savior ordered. $20 for Belcourt members; $25 for non-members. $20 for Belcourt members; $25 for non-members.
The movie is one of the brightest surprises of the holiday season, as Steve Erickson points out in his review. Besides, try getting a Chinese buffet at Little Fockers.
Also: Our sister blog Bites has a list of restaurants open Christmas Day.
Today, Davidson County has issued a Christmas Eve order to its policemen and judges in every district of the city, requiring them to:
serve legal notice on all ... within such district to leave the state, who are here without authority.The move was made in tandem with state law making it illegal for these people to live in Tennessee. Previously, less stringent state law only required them to carry certificates with them at all times.
Not surprisingly, the church has weighed in. Congress and the courts have already taken note.
In a statement printed by the Nashville-based Southern Methodist Publishing House and entered into the federal courts of the Middle District of Tennessee by Act of Congress, a university president in Virginia makes the case that the law itself is morally sound. According to the statement, the state has no more obligation towards the "uncivilized race which may chance to dwell within [our] borders" than the obligations it owes to "savages on our border."
The university president who authored the statement is William A. Smith, a Professor of Moral and Intellectual Philosophy. Smith defends against the argument that he and the government are on the wrong side of history:
Is it then my duty to grant social equality to any or to every wandering savage that may chance to pass my dwelling? Should I not only extend to him the rights of hospitality due to a wandering savage - give him food and shelter in given circumstances, and treat him kindly in all respects - but extend to him true social equality, such as it is my duty to do to other men in certain states of civilization! No man - himself not a savage - would dare affirm this! The savage has no right to claim it.
Looking through that lens of history 154 years later to the day, I'm placing my bet that in another century and a half, Judson Phillips' position will be as widely denounced as William A. Smith's is now.
John Lamb is the editor of HispanicNashville.com
Over at his blog Enclave, S-Town Mike a/k/a Mike Byrd has written the kind of media criticism column that Henry Walker used to write here at the Scene.
In this post, Byrd takes the Tennessean to task for its bland coverage of Tuesday night's Metro Council vote on the fate of the Fairgrounds. He walks through how the vote was controversial and anything but a regular day at City Hall, as the Gannett picture painted, and how the City Paper coverage had a better eye for the drama that unfolded. (In the interest of disclosure, the City Paper is a sister publication to the Scene.)
I admit I haven't been following the Fairgrounds politics too closely, and I'm certainly not a media junkie who pays attention to Nashville news providers' turf wars. But Mike's piece whets my appetite for more information about the Fairgrounds. Even without Henry Walker every Thursday, and even with all the media turmoil these days, we still have inquisitive citizens demanding information and not just fluff coverage.
News is dead? Bah, humbug.
Local DUI attorney and Tea Party Nation founder Judson Phillips directed his ire at the United Methodist Church Sunday when he saw a sign in front of its Washington, D.C., building that read "Pass the DREAM Act." Phillips simply could not reconcile the measure — which would provide a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants who were brought to the United States as children if they have clean records and a college degree or two years in the military — with traditional Christian values. Compassion was not Jesus' thing, right?
Wrong. And the United Methodist Church is having none of it. Bill Medford, director of civil and human rights for the United Methodist Church General Board of Church and Society, said:
Our support of the DREAM Act is in alignment with the principles of support for immigration reform found in our resolutions passed by the General Conference. More importantly, many United Methodists throughout the country are immigrants themselves or are in close, intimate relationships with immigrants through outreach and service. And from the positions of these close relationships modeled to us first and foremost by Jesus whose birth we celebrate this week, we advocate for humane and workable solutions to a badly broken immigration system.
Bishop Minerva Carcano of the Desert Southwest Conference of the United Methodist Church had the following reaction:
I am proud of the fact that our United Methodist Church stands for justice for all of God's children in the name of Jesus Christ, and I consider it a moral calling to stand up for young immigrants who deserve the opportunities that the DREAM Act would provide. Mr. Phillips' visceral attacks in response to this advocacy, by contrast, reflect neither American values nor the Christian faith. But as a committed Christian and United Methodist who follows Jesus, I am committed to praying for Mr. Phillips. Even while he may dream of the demise of the United Methodist Church, I will pray for abundant life for him, for that is the Christian way.
So there you have it in measured, turn-the-other-cheek style, in sharp contrast to Phillips' spittle-flecked "socialist"/"socialism" rant. And the winner is....
By the way, why can't we have more high-profile, compassionate, reasonable Christians here in Tennessee? Instead, we make do with convicted murderers who preach intolerance and hate.
There's been a counterstrike in the War on Christmas, as Jeff Woods reports in the CP:
A state government anti-terrorism agency placed the Tennessee ACLU on a map of “terrorism events and other suspicious activity” for sending a letter warning public schools not to celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday.
The ACLU expressed outrage Tuesday over its appearance on the Tennessee Fusion Center’s map, saying it “raises the specter that the government is once again tracking innocent Americans.”
“It is deeply disturbing that Tennessee’s fusion center is tracking First Amendment-protected activity,” said Hedy Weinberg, ACLU-Tennessee’s executive director. “Equating a group’s attempts to protect religious freedom in Tennessee with suspicious activity related to terrorism is outrageous. Religious freedom is a founding principle in our Constitution — not fodder for overzealous law enforcement.”
An honest mistake? Somebody's idea of a joke? Read the entire piece, which includes this curious exchange:
His repeated efforts to buy the team and move it somewhere called "Hamilton," which is apparently located in Ontario, which is apparently a "province" — that's Canadian for "like a state, but not really" — give the Preds faithful a serious case of the heebies and the jeebies.
So when Balsillie allegedly tweeted this morning "Hi again, social friends! Very early morning. Nashville bound today! And not to learn how to write a country song. Stay tuned" the reaction from the social-media active Preds nation was swift and angry and nervous.
On the front: "God Bless Our Nation This Christmas Season ... 'One Nation Under God' "
Patriotic for sure, but nothing particularly extraordinary, right?
OK, I think we're getting the message now. But just in case you missed it, there are several helpful quotes and biblical passages on the side. Here are just a few:
"The Ten Commandments ... are the sum of the moral law" — John Witherspoon, Signer of the Declaration of Independence.
"The Holy Scriptures ... can alone can alone secure to society, order and peace, and to our courts of justice and constitutions of government, purity, stability and usefulness." — James McHenry, Signer of the Constitution
"The wicked shall be turned into hell, and all the nations that forget God." — Psalms 9:17
And our personal favorite:
"Founded as a REPUBLIC, downgraded to a DEMOCRACY and swiftly becoming a SOCIALISTIC type government."
This card is brought to you by an organization that goes by the very spiritually enlightened and inclusive-sounding name WallBuilders.
And the best part? On the back of the card, clear as day: Printed in China. (Speaking of wall builders ... Bah-dum-PAH! I'll be here all week, ladies and jellybeans!)
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