Wednesday, July 8, 2009

A Match Made in Heaven: Hummer and Williamson County

Posted By on Wed, Jul 8, 2009 at 8:06 AM

click to enlarge Hummer, anyone?
  • Hummer, anyone?
OK, I'm going to use every last ounce of restraint I possess to refrain from obvious blowjob jokes here. Hard as it may be (d'oh!). After all, for Williamson County residents, news that Hummer is considering relocating its headquarters there shouldn't be particularly difficult to, er, swallow.
click to enlarge Brentwood soccer moms will love this fetching little number!
  • Brentwood soccer moms will love this fetching little number!
Puerile humor aside (at least temporarily), could there be a more perfect match of corporation and locale? A gas-guzzling monstrosity, adapted from a military vehicle that has come to symbolize our attempts to tramp across the Middle East spreading democracy by force (at least where it's politically expedient), partnered with America's wealthiest county (according to the Council for Community and Economic Research), which is teeming with SUVs, and voted 72% (!) in favor of George W. Bush in 2004? (And that's after four years of witnessing what a dimwit and national embarrassment he was.) If there were an eHarmony for corporate relocation, this would be a perfect match.
click to enlarge This motorized metaphor for manhood is perfect for the rough terrain of Cool Springs Boulevard.
  • This motorized metaphor for manhood is perfect for the rough terrain of Cool Springs Boulevard.
And what better place for this resource-depleting, greenhouse-gas-spewing poster child for American arrogance and stupidity than a county where global warming is widely seen as a ridiculous myth perpetrated by the socialist Obamatrons who are destroying the very fabric of our way of life? Williamson County is a stronghold of proud, patriotic, unapologetic Americans, dammit!
click to enlarge To sweeten the deal, the state legislature is considering a bill to legalize mounted weapons on Hummers.
  • To sweeten the deal, the state legislature is considering a bill to legalize mounted weapons on Hummers.
And these days, what's more American than being owned by a Chinese company? Attention Rutherford County: If you notice dozens of these inadequacy-relieving ATVs amassing on your border, it's time to arm up and dig in. The battle for State Route 840 could be long and bloody.

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