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Awwwwww. Perez Hilton doesn't like us. He thinks we's backwoods rednecks who ain't so gud at talkin' and book-lurnin' and all that stuff.
In a post Friday titled "Ain't No Recession in Nashville,"
Hilton discusses Alan Jackson putting his house on the market for $38 million. Hilton refers to the singer as "Shit-kickin' country western singer Alan Jackson," and adorns a photo of Jackson with the quote, "Drop the price? Shoot, no!"
Then he offers this advice:
We'd stay put in that mansion of yours, Alan, because we reckon ain't nobody going to give you one-tenth of that price in this economy!
"Ain't nobody"? (ROFLMFAO!
What an original conceit, Perez! Got us! Good one, buddy! To paraphrase an old Seinfeld episode, it's not that Hilton's comments offend us Southerners--they offend us as comedians.
Sure, in the douchebag pantheon, Hilton is fairly innocuous. He's no match for Kim Jong-il
or Josef Fritzl
, for instance. Still, in the subcategory "Douchebags Who Haven't Killed or Tortured Anyone," he's a top contender. Although he does deserve credit for breaking the news of Fidel Castro's death
. Oh wait, he's not dead. Damn, I wish we could break stories with little certainty of their veracity. (There's a hanging curveball over the plate for all you trolls and wingnuts.)
And Hilton is still reeling from his all-time douchebaggiest moment
(and that's saying a lot)--suggesting that Michael Jackson's cardiac arrest was a stunt so the singer could bail on his comeback tour. Hilton lost 800,000 Twitter followers in the ensuing controversy, which just goes to show that even fans of talentless bottom-feeders have their standards.
Next week on perezhilton.com: Alan and Michael Jackson were long lost half-brothers, sons of rockabilly pioneer Wanda Jackson.