Thursday, July 2, 2009

Half-Baked Ideas for Invigorating the Ward Cammack Campaign

Posted By on Thu, Jul 2, 2009 at 5:19 AM

click to enlarge This is your new Argentinian mistress, Ward. She enjoys long walks on the beach and shooting masked gunmen at Applebee's.
  • This is your new Argentinian mistress, Ward. She enjoys long walks on the beach and shooting masked gunmen at Applebee's.
Democratic gubernatorial candidate Ward Cammack is having a few problems these days. He's struggling to raise money and some in his base of lefty support aren't happy about his membership in the Belle Meade Country Club, which they construe to be racist.

Fortunately, Pith is here to provide sage counsel. Our crack team of political scientists has developed a winning new platform to rejuvenate his campaign. It's simple, easy, and can be microwaved to victory in just 30 seconds!

1. Name Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton honorary campaign managers. Nothing says "I'm Not Racist" like making these two guys official hangers-on. Just hire a guy with a TV camera, slap a CNN sticker on it, and they'll be at your doorstep by morning. You won't even have to call.

2. Outlaw FreeCreditReport.com commercials in Tennessee. Okay, so this may be slightly unconstitutional, but you can frame it as your own unique way of giving the finger to the feds, a lock to capture the redneck vote and a winning strategy with the vast People Who Watch Cable After 10 p.m. Demographic. Bonus score: Also banning the phrase "There must be something to this ExtenZe pill" from public airwaves.

3. Stop Chief Serpas' broken tail light strategy. Who knows how many tourism dollars are lost when Mr. and Mrs. Cadursky of Louisville visit for a weekend, receive three speeding tickets for going a collective 7 mph over the limit, and never return. Score huge points with anyone in the tourism trade, plus lock up the rank-and-file cop vote.

4. Legalize guns on airplanes: Okay, so nothing says stupid like an airborne firefight involving a guy named Bill from Chattanooga, who became enraged when a stewardess tried to charge him $8.50 for a Jack and coke. But every candidate in Tennessee must demonstrate his fealty to the Second Amendment -- the dumber the idea the better. And if you make the law exclusive to Tennessee airspace, you can use words like "states' rights" and "sovereignty," allowing you to out-goober even your most gooberish opponents.

5. Have affair with Argentinian babe: How can you be racist if you choose a Latina for a mistress? Guaranteed to get you tons of news coverage, plus allows you to demonstrate conspicuous piety during obligatory tearful confession. Continually leak new details of the affair to remain in the news cycle.

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