Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Crazy Crap / Hargrove Mystery of the Missing Sewing Machines and What, If Anything, It Has to Do With Glenn Beck
Posted by Brantley Hargrove on Wed, Jun 17, 2009 at 6:00 AM
The sewing machines, valued at some $400,000, were housed inside of a freight container on a wheeled chassis, so whoever took it had a bobtail tractor truck to hitch it to, police say. Sources close to the investigation say the radical sewing circle's ranks have swelled lately with isolated white women, some loosely affiliated with Tea-Baggers, who are consumed by an overwhelming motherly impulse to wipe Glenn Beck's running nose when they watch his blubbery diatribes. Metro police and the FBI are attempting to determine whether the theft has any connection to a Mar. 24 theft on the same property: A freight container full of whiskey. It is not clear at this point how the whiskey figures into Project No More Tears.
Seriously, though, a shitload of sewing machines got stolen, which is really random. As random as, say, a massive quilt sewn specifically for Glenn Beck's tear-soaked eyes. I kind of like the idea of that.
Comments (3)
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Clearly the sewing machines were stolen from a small business owner by the government for redistibution to schoolchildren; only their tiny little hands can sew the Mao suits we shall all soon be required to wear.
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Instructions And Things You'll Need To Learn To Sew Are: Sewing machine with manual Instructional books and videos Fabric and thread Step 1: Read the instruction manual that came with your sewing machine when it was originally purchased. The manual will have diagrams showing you all of the sewing machine's parts. It will also give you step by step instructions for basic actions such as...
A sewing machine uses a spinning shaft to push a needle up and down through fabric. The rod that controls the needle's height is attached to the spinning shaft away from the shaft's axis of rotation so that as the shaft spins, the rod and needle move up and down. This motion resembles that of a child on a tricycle: as the front wheel turns, the child's legs move up and down.
