Monday, April 27, 2009

Phil Valentine: Earth Day Boogeymen Depantsing Nation's Schoolchildren

Posted By on Mon, Apr 27, 2009 at 9:02 AM

click to enlarge You'll never see this guy sweat. That's cuz Phil Valentine knows global warming ain't real.
  • You'll never see this guy sweat. That's cuz Phil Valentine knows global warming ain't real.
Earth Day is a sham. There, we said it. Maybe some of you think it's cool to celebrate a bunch of dirt and lava and tectonic plates. But last time we checked, false idols were still a smiteworthy offense. And there's nothing "cool" about a slow indoctrination into the neopagan cult that is Wicca. Unless you count the flowing robes. We've got nothing against those. But as we've said before, that's strictly a comfort thing. Anyway. Our Anti Earth Day stance isn't shared by everyone. In fact, it's made us so unpopular we've found ourselves stranded on an ideological island. Fortunately, on Sunday morning, the anthropomorphic volleyball sidekick every marooned shipwreck victim lusts after washed ashore our tropical isle. Because while most people are too blinded by their love of grass and oxygen and slow-roasting UV rays to see past the sinful Mama Gaia worship, Phil Valentine knows the true meaning of Earth Day: Scaring the bejeesus out of children... The most insidious part of the Earth Day movement is how it has fully infiltrated our schools. They are successfully scaring the pants off our kids. You hear that, scientists? All your "facts and figures" are so frightening, kids are literally jumping out of their pants. We'd be even more upset if we thought they might catch a chill. But have you been outside lately? Not even May and we're already hitting 90 degrees. We're totally not sure what's behind these eerily routine Spring heat waves, but if it means an extra week at Daytona so be it. ...a new Opinion Research poll of America's preteens shows that one in three children fears an Earth apocalypse. It's hard to think of a better way to sum up the insidious influence of Earth Day. For thousands of years mankind has made its feelings clear: Ignoring wanna-be apocalypses peddled by numerologists, Dan Brown fans and know-it-all Chichen Itza tour guides to fear the one and only destruction of life as we know it that makes good, Biblical sense. And if the rapture was good enough for the Thessalonians, it's good enough for us. The big hubbub has all been over the supposed warming of the planet over the last 100 years by 0.50C...Interestingly enough all four of the major temperature tracking outlets around the globe, including NASA's GISS, showed that we had cooled in 2007 by anywhere from 0.65C to 0.75C. That's right. Not only have we erased the supposed warming of the last 100 years, we are actually cooling... Jab. Hook. Uppercut. Boom, sucker: You're face down on the canvas with an ankle-high view of Phil Valentine's red, white and blue laces. Everyone knows the laws of sample-size. But only a select few, including Phil, understand that a decade is worth more than a century so long as that decade happened really, really recently. It's just too bad you had to take one on the chin to learn your lesson. They tell us there's a consensus on global warming. The Global Warming Petition Project asks scientists to sign on to the following statement: "There is no convincing scientific evidence that human release of carbon dioxide, methane, or any other greenhouse gases is causing or will, in the foreseeable future, cause catastrophic heating of the Earth's atmosphere and disruption of the Earth's climate." At last count, 31,478 American scientists have signed the petition; 9,029 with Ph.Ds. Some consensus. Hey scientists, here's a consensus for you: Phil just smacked you back to 2007. Hot enough for ya? Sure, 13% of the PhD's who signed the Global Warming Petition are doctors, psychologists or software engineers. And in a thorough debunking, Petition Project founder Dr. Arthur Robinson has been found guilty of "soliciting the opinions of the wrong group of people in the wrong way and [drawing] the wrong conclusions about any possible consensus among relevant and qualified scientists regarding the hypothesis of human-caused global warming." But I wouldn't pay too much attention to these half-truths. Skeptic Magazine's liberal bias is well known. And last time we got a physical--administered rectally, as is our preference--our doctor had no trouble telling us our temperature. Face it, Earth Day boogeymen. In the light of an unusually hot April morning, your facts wilt like so many ice caps. So next time you amateurs try your hand at fear-mongering, just know what awaits you: 12 rounds with Phil the Thrill, the unified title-holder.

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