Monday, April 6, 2009
Crazy Crap / Hannan / The Economy Phil Valentine: Swimming in Drool
Posted by Caleb Hannan on Mon, Apr 6, 2009 at 6:47 AM
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C'mon liberals. Let's give Phil Valentine a break. He spends upwards of 10 to 15 minutes every Friday afternoon texting his column 160 characters at a time to a harried Tennessean editor. The least you can do is stop drooling.
Oh sure, we know that in the wake of GM CEO Rick Wagoner's forced dismissal you're all "salivating to take over everything." But let's at least try to remain civil. All that mouth juice rolling off your chin makes the keys on Phil's Blackberry sticky. And do you know how hard it is to T9 polysyllabic mainstays like "socialism" after that spittle dries out? No, you don't.
So without further ado here's Phil's latest. Delivered to you in spite of the gobs of lentil-scented drool currently afflicting our man's various handheld electronics...
"Obama Fires GM CEO."
That's a headline that should send a chill down your spine. Instead, it sent a thrill up the legs of many liberals who can now almost taste the socialism they've worked for their whole lives.
Finally, someone speaking up about the dangerously flavorful taste of socialism. Or as we like to call it: liberal ambrosia. Better than any top-shelf liquor on the market. Seriously, once you've had a taste of socialism, Johny Walker Black will taste like boiled grizzly piss.
Not even in FDR's wildest, big-government dreams did he take over a company. Now that Barack Obama is Mr. Goodwrench, the entire left flank of American politics has been emboldened to believe they can take over anything and everything the government touches.
Amen. And just so you know, Phil can prove that line about FDR's wildest dreams. Last year he paid a visit to the home in Warm Springs, Georgia, where the former president died. Ignoring the velvet ropes, Phil snuck into the study, picked the drawer lock on an old oak desk and found FDR's journal. Indexed under "Wildest, Big Government Dreams" he found the following two words: "Walking, duh."
Companies don't exist for the employee; they exist to make money. If good employees can help them do that, all the better. Don't believe for a second my profession doesn't understand that. Radio went through an automation craze in the '80s. We're seeing somewhat of a resurgence today because of economic circumstances. And don't think for a minute the higher-ups wouldn't replace me if they could find a machine that was nearly as obnoxious.
Unfortunately for Phil, the higher-ups have found that machine. It's called the Scream-a-Tron 9000; a deaf, dumb and blind Howler monkey with a bullhorn duck taped to its mouth. R&D has been slaving over it for months. Expect product rollout in the first quarter of 2010, with an ad blitz to coincide with next year's Super Bowl.
Instead of concentrating on making GM viable or, better yet, getting out of the way, Congress is going to chuck the free-market system and limit executive pay. "Good," you say. If you're coming from the angle of "let's sock it to those greedy so-and-so's," you'd be wrong.
The Scream-a-Tron 9000 made this exact same point only yesterday. Then it mauled the 5-year-old son of a Westwood One secretary. These are the kind of "kinks" that continue to make investors nervous.
Ayn Rand predicted this many years ago in her eerily prescient classic Atlas Shrugged. In that book, the looters and moochers begin to take everything away from producers. Sound familiar?
That tremor you feel and the rumble you hear may be the massive paradigm shift the left has been hoping for. Or, perhaps, Atlas has shrugged.
Once again, Phil's right on target. But a demerit is in order. Atlas wasn't shrugging because of any liberally-facilitated paradigm shift. Not hardly. The primordial Titan was just trying to wipe some drool off his shoulder. Shit is nasty.
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