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C'mon liberals. Let's give Phil Valentine a break. He spends upwards of 10 to 15 minutes every Friday afternoon texting his column 160 characters at a time to a harried Tennessean
editor. The least you can do is stop drooling.
Oh sure, we know that in the wake of GM CEO Rick Wagoner's forced dismissal you're all "salivating to take over everything
." But let's at least try to remain civil. All that mouth juice rolling off your chin makes the keys on Phil's Blackberry sticky. And do you know how hard it is to T9 polysyllabic mainstays like "socialism" after that spittle dries out? No, you don't.
So without further ado here's Phil's latest. Delivered to you in spite of the gobs of lentil-scented drool currently afflicting our man's various handheld electronics...
"Obama Fires GM CEO."
That's a headline that should send a chill down your spine. Instead, it
sent a thrill up the legs of many liberals who can now almost taste the
socialism they've worked for their whole lives.
someone speaking up about the dangerously flavorful taste of socialism.
Or as we like to call it: liberal ambrosia. Better than any top-shelf
liquor on the market. Seriously, once you've had a taste of socialism,
Johny Walker Black will taste like boiled grizzly piss.Not even in FDR's wildest, big-government dreams did he take over a
company. Now that Barack Obama is Mr. Goodwrench, the entire left flank
of American politics has been emboldened to believe they can take over
anything and everything the government touches.
And just so you know, Phil can prove that line about FDR's wildest
dreams. Last year he paid a visit to the home in Warm Springs, Georgia,
where the former president died. Ignoring the velvet ropes, Phil snuck
into the study, picked the drawer lock on an old oak desk and found
FDR's journal. Indexed under "Wildest, Big Government Dreams" he found
the following two words: "Walking, duh."Companies don't exist for the employee; they exist to make money. If
good employees can help them do that, all the better. Don't believe for
a second my profession doesn't understand that. Radio went through an
automation craze in the '80s. We're seeing somewhat of a resurgence
today because of economic circumstances. And don't think for a minute
the higher-ups wouldn't replace me if they could find a machine that
was nearly as obnoxious.
for Phil, the higher-ups have
found that machine. It's called the
Scream-a-Tron 9000; a deaf, dumb and blind Howler monkey with a bullhorn
duck taped to its mouth. R&D has been slaving over it for months.
Expect product rollout in the first quarter of 2010, with an ad blitz to
coincide with next year's Super Bowl.
Instead of concentrating on making GM viable or, better yet, getting
out of the way, Congress is going to chuck the free-market system and
limit executive pay. "Good," you say. If you're coming from the angle
of "let's sock it to those greedy so-and-so's," you'd be wrong.
The Scream-a-Tron 9000 made this exact same point only yesterday. Then it
mauled the 5-year-old son of a Westwood One secretary. These are the
kind of "kinks" that continue to make investors nervous.
Ayn Rand predicted this many years ago in her eerily prescient classic Atlas Shrugged. In that book, the looters and moochers begin to take everything away from producers. Sound familiar?
That tremor you feel and the rumble you hear may be the massive
paradigm shift the left has been hoping for. Or, perhaps, Atlas has
Once again, Phil's right on target. But a demerit is in order. Atlas wasn't shrugging because of any liberally-facilitated paradigm shift. Not hardly. The primordial Titan was just trying to wipe some drool off his shoulder. Shit is nasty.