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Phil Valentine's normal column didn't run in last Sunday's Tennessean
. In related news, the weather was unseasonably warm and the world continued to turn. The end.
Thankfully for Phil fans everywhere, the man himself has returned
. And he's ready to tackle another pressing issue of national import with the kind of vague, detail and logic-free reasoning we've all come to expect and perversely crave. Take it away, Valentino!I have detected a disturbing trend in the tenor of the debate now coming from the left.
In the business, they refer to this as Phil's Spidey-sense. The man's a goddamn Geiger counter when it comes to criticism. Remember when people started claiming that President Bush started the second war in Iraq because he wanted to get even with Sadaam? Phil felt that premonition way back in 1998, in the form of a noiseless fart he passed during an episode of Friends
.Blogs, phone calls to talk radio and letters to the editor all ring
with the same theme. Anything that is remotely critical of our
president or the Democrats in Congress is now being characterized as
Really? This is happening? Because our President is black? Because Barney Frank is gay? Because Nancy Pelosi once stopped to tie her shoe outside of a mosque? Criticizing our political leaders is the duty of all Americans. Surely anyone who labels it hate speech must be kidding themselves. No worry, though. Phil will hit us with the specifics.
Liberals have even been emboldened to shout at me across busy floors of public commerce.
Bam. Right there. You want obtuse? Phil will show you obtuse. The best part about a line like "busy floors of public commerce" is that it contains absolutely no detail whatsoever. Someone might've shouted "asshole" at Phil while he left the Dillard's at Green Hills. Or in Dubai. It's anyone's best guess.
The other disturbing trend to watch: Mere mortals are now "emboldened" enough to shout at Phil. Next thing you know they'll want to look him in the eye when they're giving him back his change at Mapco or exchange pleasantries before servicing him at his favorite glory hole. The nerve of these folks...
Now that the liberals have taken over Washington, it seems that
criticizing massive bailouts and so-called stimulus packages to the
tune of trillions of dollars we don't have is suddenly repugnant if not
dat. I hear Paul Krugman is still being flogged in Washington Square
after his systematic takedown of the bailouts. And he won the Nobel
Prize! Just imagine what they'll do to a no-talent hack who lives in
Talk radio seems to be the last remaining bastion of conservative
Talk radio and the Opinion page in Sunday's Tennessean
seem to be the last remaining bastions of conservative thought...
/fixedLiberals look at our current economic situation and scream and cry that
our government should do something. Anything! That's an emotional
response to a problem that requires logic and common sense to solve.
are babies. That's why they're always trying to complicate simple
problems that call for simple answers with bullshit like emotion.
like last week, when that Commie clerk at Kroger told Phil he had too
many items for the express lane. A simple problem that called for a
simple answer: Phil calmly reached for the megaphone he carries for
just such an occasion (pet name, Miranda) and proceeded to scream
obscenities in C Minor for 45 minutes straight, until the manager
finally agreed to have the guy fired. Good luck paying for your
daughter's braces now, ya big baby!...those of us who
criticize the policies of this administration are systematically
targeted for destruction. What's so disturbing about this trend is the
damage it does to our
fundamental right to freedom of speech, to freedom of the press, to the
free exchange of ideas. It is not I who hate; rather, it is those who
disagree with me who hate me for holding an opinion contrary to their
Behold, Starter's 2009 Phil Valentine jersey:
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