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Thursday, March 12, 2009

Crazy Crap / Silverman It's More of a Shelbyville Idea: Lebanon Wises Up on Bible Theme Park Project

Posted by Jack Silverman on Thu, Mar 12, 2009 at 6:09 AM

Following the progress (or lack thereof) on the Bible theme park proposal, we couldn't help but think of this classic Simpsons episode. It appears that the proposed Bible theme park in Lebanon has officially bitten the dust. Last week the city council voted unanimously to withdraw backing, and developer Rob Wyatt said his company is halting the project. Chock up a victory for sanity in Wilson County. Maybe it was the proposal's use of the word "edutainment" that set off the red flags. Or the story about one of the park's backers being a former porn photographer. Or that the project had already jumped the track once in Rutherford County. Perhaps a council member Googled SafeHarbor Holding, the park's financier, then went to the company's website to be greeted with the same message I got: "Safari can't find the server." Or maybe it's that the Bible theme park was being touted as non-evangelical. Isn't that kind of like a nonsexual hooker or non-narcotic heroin? Still, I'm sad to see the project fail. After the jump, some of the attractions I was looking forward to: Moses Mountain--Guests wait in line for what seems like 40 years, then ride in a basket of bulrushes through swarms of locusts, lice and gnats as they witness the simulated murders of hundreds of first-born children, complete with fake spewing blood. Isaac Haze--Bind your kid to an altar, then raise a knife above him and begin to plunge it downward, at which point a mechanical angel grabs your arm. No better lesson for your children about God's infinite mercy. Passion of the Christ Children's Theater--Stripped of its most violent, sadistic and homoerotic scenes, this G-rated version of Mel Gibson's epic tale is only six minutes long, perfect for your toddler's brief attention span. The Sodom and Gomorrah Stand-up Comedy Tent--Among the classic punchlines that'll have you roaring in sanctified glee: "So Jesus says, Everyone on this side of the table if you want to get in the picture!" "You want me to cut off the tips of their WHAT?" And many more! What attractions, dear reader, were you looking forward to? (Paging Mr. Pink!)

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Hey, that episode was on last night!
Jonah’s Whale Tunnel of Love – You and your sweetheart hop on a plank of wood and gently float through putrid seawater and decaying fish while digestive acids rain down upon your quickly burning bodies.
Celebrated Women of the Bible Audio Tour – Extra five dollars, five minutes long.
While the Bible is probably full of awesome ride ideas, this park wasn't needed. There's already a creationism museum in Kentucky. Do I smell a...ROAD TRIP? Who's with me?!

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Posted by Ashley on March 12, 2009 at 10:34 AM

Hey, who won't miss their almost famous restaurant, Chuck E. Jesus, with the signature Lamb of God entree?

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Posted by Kathleen on March 12, 2009 at 12:11 PM

Nice Ashley!
Thanks for contributing to the cause. I expected Mr. Pink to chime in with some clever ideas, but apparently he's too busy surfing YouTube for Douglas Sirk outtakes.
But I'd challenge him to top Jonah's Whale Tunnel of Love.

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Posted by Jack on March 12, 2009 at 12:12 PM

The Revelation Experience! - You're forced to ingest copious amounts of acid and are locked in a dark room for hours on end. Piercing, frightening noises will play at random and occasional flashes of light will reveal walls decorated with bones, spiders, and the bloody handprints of children and loved ones.
I could do this literally until 5 o'clock.

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Posted by Ashley on March 12, 2009 at 1:20 PM

"Solomon's Song: An Erotic Tail" - Hardcore pornogrpahy to be played between viewings of "The Passion of the Christ" in the children's theater. It features the much-fabled sexual act "Where's the fig?" and stars the hairiest dudes and broads this side of the 1970s.

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Posted by Ashley on March 12, 2009 at 1:37 PM

Ashley, that more or less sounds like my freshman year in college.
Chuck E. Jesus? Love it.
How about AppleEve's, featuring the heart-smart Jehosha-phat-free menu? The Ezekielbasa Grill? (Try the Abra-Ham sandwich, my fave.)
Still no Pink. "Oooh, I'm a managing editor! I have more important things to do!"

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Posted by Jack on March 12, 2009 at 1:41 PM

I was really hoping to get a second job at the Stone the Heretic concession.

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Posted by Pete Kotz on March 12, 2009 at 1:52 PM

Pete, you sure you didn't mean The Stoned Heretic concession?

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Posted by Jack on March 12, 2009 at 2:07 PM

Bears and Baldheads - Children ride an adorable merry-go-round and gleefully mock the photos of the bald man on the hub...until the trap doors are opened and the little bastards are (God willing!) eviscerated by angry bears.
2 Kings 2:23-24

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Posted by Ashley on March 12, 2009 at 2:08 PM

Don't make me smite you.

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Posted by mr. pink on March 12, 2009 at 4:15 PM

Oh, I'm quite smitten.

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Posted by Jack on March 12, 2009 at 4:29 PM
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