Friday, March 6, 2009
Breaking News / Kotz BusinessWeek: Nashville is America's 8th Unhappiest City
Posted by Pete Kotz on Fri, Mar 6, 2009 at 12:38 PM
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Fresh off our ranking as America's Manliest City comes this sobering news: It seems the very things that make us really, really manly also make us unhappy.
That's the finding of BusinessWeek, which has named Nashville the 8th Unhappiest City in America. By using totally scientific data concerning suicide, divorce, crime and cloudy days, the magazine says we're only behind the great homes to grave natural disaster (New Orleans), severe gambling debts (Las Vegas), the requisite list of Midwestern dumps (Detroit, Cleveland and St. Louis), and Jacksonville.
But what makes the study suspicious is this: Topping the list was Portland. Has BusinessWeek even actually been to Portland? The entire city consists of white guys with dreads who beg for money on the sidewalk accompanied by their trophy dogs, which usually look like really friendly versions of wolves. How, exactly, can mooching for change with bad hair and a friendly dog make you unhappy?
On behalf of Nashville, Pith demands a recount.
Update: We've been forced to reverse our opinion on Portland's unhappiness. A story offered by a native reveals why people there are bummed. They have to live around this guy: "And those rasta-bums will only accept organic food. Wish I was kidding. I tried to give one a 6-inch Subway and the dude told me, 'Naw, I can't accept a product of the corporate machine.' Sucks for him. It had extra cheese."
Comments (6)
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I remember reading somewhere (the internet? must be true!) that Portland has the nation's highest per capita percentage of teenage runaways because they like, hand out heroin as soon as you cross into city limits.
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Posted by
Ashley
on March 6, 2009 at 12:53 PM
BusinessWeek forgot to factor in the Elliott Smith margin of error. The dude cancels out a Switzerland full of happiness.
Posted by
Bike Messenger
on March 6, 2009 at 12:54 PM
No, Sueyyy, we just took this shot right after her chainsaw broke in the middle of making a lifesize wood carving of the caribou she once bagged in Montana.
Posted by
Pete Kotz
on March 6, 2009 at 2:35 PM
