Tuesday, October 7, 2008

A Species Identification Guide to the Media Invasion of Nashville

Posted By on Tue, Oct 7, 2008 at 3:25 PM

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If this man starts lecturing you on the International Monetary Fund, call police immediately. As you walk around town today, you will notice an unusual number of strangers. Be alarmed. You are witnessing an influx of sub-humans known as The Media. They arrive in Nashville with only one aim: Total destruction of America, and to have really good hair. Though they go by many aliases -- “The Liberal Media,” The Mainstream Media,” and the ever-popular “Those Lying Bastards in the Media” – they are not a singular species, as mythology would have you believe. In truth, they come from various tribes, uniting over a fondness for makeup and the perpetuation of evil. What follows is an identification guide for recognizing these sub-species and the threat they present. Approach with extreme care: Regional Print Reporters Characteristics: A fleshy creature with a worn scowl and a hunchback. This is not from multiple sclerosis. It’s from 30 years spent brooding over off-brand light beers. His job is to listen to politicians lie, then write he-said she-said stories making serial bullshit and obfuscation seem like legitimate public discourse. Frequently entertains fantasies of suicide, but doesn’t have adequate life insurance. Native Habitat: A brown living room recliner he bought in 1983. Threat Level: 35 percent. Think of him as a vaguely human version of a snapping turtle. He’s only dangerous when you try to boil him for soup. Suggested Defense: Offer him cigarettes and a half-eaten sandwich, then point him to a bar. National Print Reporters Characteristics: They can usually be identified by a rakish Ivy League bearing, which includes occasional bowties and an ability to properly pronounce the president of Iran’s name. If you sense an inflated quality about them, do not be alarmed. This is not a communicable disease, but merely a runaway ego in its advanced stages. Native Habitat: Martha’s Vineyard and the discount bin at Barnes & Noble. Threat Level: 86 percent. His ability to blather at length on the constitutional merits of tort reform is registered as a lethal weapon with the FBI. Suggested Defense: Return fire with double-negatives in mangled sentence structure. He will shrivel like that witch on the Wizard of Oz.
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Regional TV Reporters: Characteristics: From a tribe whose hierarchy is based on physical features. Those better looking than real estate agents get to read teleprompters in major markets. Those who look like you and me are forced to work in Terra Haute, Indiana. Usually identified by heavy makeup that runs along the jaw line, as if applied by an 8th grade girl in 1974. Native Habitat: A tanning bed. Threat Level: 106 percent. Attention waitresses: Will ask endless questions about the saturated fat content of every entrée on the menu. Struggles with remedial math, thus incapable of calculating a tip. Suggested Defense: Tell them there’s a car crash down the street replete with video opportunities involving the charred bodies of school children. They will leave immediately.
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National TV Reporters Characteristics: Think of lesser movie stars who dress like Barbara Bush. Superior to regional TV reporters in terms of comped gym membership and the right to cover hurricanes instead of the Dirty Dining beat. Can manufacture faux emotion on demand, including the shedding of tears. Native Habitat: A spa in the Hamptons. Threat Level: 94 percent. Known for traveling in packs of paid partisan experts who all speak loudly at the same time. Contact may lead to dramatic declines in your IQ. Consult a doctor if you feel the urge to watch Hardball with Chris Matthews. Suggested Defense: Can be repelled by messing up their hair or threatening to open fire with a squirt bottle of plain yellow mustard. Lefty Bloggers Characteristics: Must wear peasant army cap preferred by Maoists in 1948 China. Uses the word “Bush” as a slur. Pronounces everlasting devotion to “working class,” but drinks designer beer from California. Native Habitat: Starbucks or house populated by unemployed musicians. Threat Level: 4 percent. Pays homage to socialism, but never buys a round. Will want to talk about mountain biking and poetry. Suggested Defense: Can easily be driven away with a lengthy discussion of the Steelers’ offensive line.
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Right Wing Bloggers Characteristics: Still dress like that rival fraternity from Animal House. Believe everything from acne to poor fishing can be cured by eliminating the capital gains tax. Privately resent aging grandparents for using Medicare; believe they have “socialist leanings” and are not embracing “personal responsibility.” Can’t say so out loud for fear of diminishing inheritance. Native Habitat: Mom’s attic. Threat Level: 6 percent. Though feloniously smug, they possess the masculinity of a house pet that can be carried in a woman’s purse. Only brave when on the internet in the safety of mother’s house. Suggested Defense: A creature solely fueled by self-importance. Pretend they don’t exist, and they will scurry back to mom’s to surf male porn.

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