Monday, September 15, 2008

Honk Your Horn If You Love America! Phil Valentine's The Conservative's Handbook Hits the Streets

Posted by on Mon, Sep 15, 2008 at 5:00 AM

click to enlarge handbook.jpg
Local conservative talk-show host Phil Valentine, the man who brought you Right From the Heart and Tax Revolt, has just released The Conservative's Handbook: Defining the Right Position on Issues From A to Z. (Hey, who coined the political terms "right" and "left" anyway? The 'Pubs sure got the better of that linguistic evolution—er, creation.) Designed not so coincidentally to look like a Bible, Valentine's sermon to the converted launches its jihad against the far, near and not-so-distant left with a foreword (backward might be more appropriate) by Sean Hannity. If nothing else, the beetle-browed bullhorn of bellicose bluster has a gift for directness:
Let me tell you what you have to look forward to in the pages ahead. You'll learn the truth about guns and how they save far more lives than they take. You'll see why America's Founding Fathers never intended that there be a constitutional separation of church and state. You'll find holes in the global warming argument big enough to drive a truck through. This book absolutely blisters China and our dangerously cozy relationship with that brutal regime. It makes a strong case against illegal immigration, illuminating points I haven't heard anyone else make. And you're going to love how it sets the record straight on Ronald Reagan and his legacy.
The word "Handbook" in the title seems to be another way of saying, "Hey conservatives, here's our talking points. Memorize 'em, so you can defend my—I mean, your beliefs in conversation." (I can picture Sarah Palin holed up in her bus with The Book of Phil, cramming furiously. Gentlemen, make sure you spell my name right in the ads.) To be fair, the writing (not to be confused with "righting") is better than you might expect. And whether or not you agree with him, he argues his views fairly intelligently—much more so than right-wing windbags like Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage. Still, you can put lipstick on a.... Let me rephrase: You can argue dubious assertions intelligently, but they're still dubious assertions. Among the chapter titles: "AMERICA is good," "GUNS are good," "JUNK SCIENCE is behind the global warming scare," "ZERO TOLERANCE is the only way to effectively deal with crime," "REAGAN was right," "QUOTAS are wrong," and my personal favorite, "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS is the liberal version of fascism." (Come to think of it, Janeane Garofalo in jackboots could be kinda hot. And as I've just demonstrated, not all liberals are politically correct.) Here are a few highlights. First, from "AMERICA is good":
Detractors love to focus on our national warts, foibles and stumbles. While most of us learned about our country's founding and the brave men who risked their lives to form a more perfect union, too many school lessons focus on the fact that some of the founders owned slaves.
From "FAMILIES are the basic building blocks of society" (regarding Disney offering same-sex benefits):
As wrong as I think that is for society, I certainly understand the company's reasons for doing it. They would never tell you this, because it's far too politically incorrect, but there are a disproportionate number of gay people in the entertainment industry. I know it's a stereotype, but it's true. There are many gays who are artistically inclined. In order to attract the best and the brightest, Disney felt it necessary to offer gay-partner benefits.
Hey gays—at least he thinks some of you are the best and brightest! Here's one from "LIBERALISM is an ideology doomed to failure":
If relatively so few people die of AIDS in this country, how did we come to pour so much money into AIDS research? Quite simply, it's the squeaky-wheel syndrome. This disease has such an active and tenacious lobby that Congress has found it easier to give in than fight. The AIDS lobby has also manipulated the data to make the problem look worse than it actually is.
Outside of his specious claims about AIDS in this country, I guess he figures sub-Saharan Africa can take care of itself, what with all the top-notch medical research facilities there. Or maybe it's natural selection. Still, let's give credit where credit is due: Phil's actively involved in alternative energy sources (though we trust he isn't motivated by concerns about global warming). And how many right-wing shock jocks would utter these words, which Valentine wrote in The Conservative's Handbook regarding the decline of the American family: "Don't blame Hollywood." If you're sick of those terrorist-loving, America-hating schlubs who can’t accept our current administration’s God-given right to rule the world, you can buy Valentine's book here. (And a warning to Valentine's horn-honking brigade—there's enough condo-related construction blocking the streets around the Scene offices in Little Dubai to render block-circling pretty much impossible. Sorry about that.)

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