Well, the reviews are in—Mayor Karl Dean's State of the Metro Address has been panned by both the City Paper and the Scene, the two papers that actually follow local politics. The address was bland, unchallenging and had several head-scratching moments, which we mock and ridicule after the jump. State of Metro Address By Mayor Karl Dean May 13, 2008 "...For example, the Maplewood Panthers outplayed all but one other class 4A football team in the state this past year. They made it to the championship game. I asked the Panthers team captains Chris Simpson, Tyrone Vanlier and Lester Blanton to join us here today, along with Head Coach Ralph Thompson, Assistant Coach Brandon Woods and the principal of Maplewood, Dr. Julie Williams. Please stand and accept our congratulations for a great season." (So we're recognizing the losing team of the worst high school in the state, instead of heaping praise on an honored teacher or a Harvard-bound student? Thanks, Education Mayor.) "...Public safety must also be a focus of our government. Our city is safer than it has been in 17 years. Crime has been down for four consecutive years and so far this year the trend continues. Public safety is something we have to stay focused every single day. And the men and women who put their lives on the line to keep us safe know this better than anyone." (This paragraph is so vague and bland, Dwight Lewis just might plagiarize it.) "...Here in Nashville, not only do we have police officers who are highly skilled at their jobs, but we have police officers who represent the spirit of our city—a friendly, compassionate city. David Washington and Jamell Randall from the East Precinct are two officers who went above and beyond." (Finally, some excitement! Let's see what these two heroes did!) "Over the Thanksgiving holiday, these two officers stopped to help a family with a flat tire. They were traveling through town on their way home to Illinois. They had no spare tire or the resources to buy one. Officer Randall found a hotel willing to offer a discounted rate, and Officer Washington returned with a tire and tools while off duty the next day. Please join me in thanking these officers and all of our Metro Police officers for their service to our city." (That's it? They changed a damn tire? Didn't anyone solve a murder, apprehend a mugger, bust a shoplifter, anything? This is the best of the best? Note to Dean: there's a reason you aren't an advisor on The Shield.) "A safe city means less crime." (Jesus. Did we really elect Dean so we could hear Clement's speeches?) "It also means fire protection and knowing when someone in your family needs emergency medical services that there’s enough ambulances on our streets to get them help in time. (Dean guest-lectured at Maplewood, right? That explains the drop-out rate.) "Education, public safety, and the third leg of the stool—economic development. Those are the issues that are most important." (Oh, yeah—I remember reading this observation. In the April 1988 issue of Duh.) "Although times are tight, we know that will not always be the case. To take a line from our governor, 'the business cycle has not gone away.' " (For the record: the man just cited the rhetorical firepower of Phil Bredesen. That's like opening Bartlett's and quoting the copyright page.) "We may not be able to do everything we want now, but with smart fiscal management, we will have the opportunity to do them tomorrow. (Listen closely, and you can almost hear the Mick Fleetwood drum solo.) "Ladies and gentlemen, as we approach the mid-point of 2008, the state of Metro is good." (And the state of his constituents' asses is now officially asleep.) "If you’ve spent any time traveling around town this Spring, you can’t help but feel good about where we are as a city." (Unless you were traveling by car, in which case you're broke.) "It’s all about Nashville being a livable city. Livable cities are walkable. They have open spaces. They also have clean air, clean water, transportation infrastructure and an energy use profile that allows us to maintain our quality of life and pass it along to future generations." (Want to improve our quality of life? Try these four words: "Thank you, and goodnight.".) "Our libraries, under the direction of Donna Nicely, are another incredible resource for our city. That is one of the reasons I wanted to meet today in this room, to showcase what I believe is one of the grandest spaces in our city. Our libraries serve a growing number of our citizens every year. Our library system is a true gem that we must continue to support." (Except come budget time.) "Sports is another thing that is generating excitement in our city." (Glad something is.) "Watching the Titans go to the playoffs. Watching Vanderbilt compete at the highest levels in baseball and basketball. Watching the incredible Battle of the Boulevard rivalry between Belmont and Lipscomb in basketball. Watching the inspiring Belmont/Duke NCAA game. Watching a TSU cornerback be the first pick for the Arizona Cardinals in the NFL draft last month—something that hasn’t happened to a TSU Tiger since Ed 'Too Tall' Jones was picked by the Dallas Cowboys in 1974. Watching Nashville’s own Brandt Snedeker compete in the Masters. This has been a great year in Nashville if you’re a sports fan, but I don’t think anything got us as excited as watching the Preds come back from incredible adversity to have a storybook season. Having new, local owners now in control and steadfast fans that love hockey and love having hockey in Nashville, has been one of the best things about this past year. And I’m delighted to note that Predators Coach Barry Trotz is here today. Thanks, Coach, for a great year." (Coach? Coach? Is he still awake at this point?) "As you think about Nashville, think about this…in just a few short years we will have a new convention center south of Broadway. A visitor it brings to our city will walk out its front doors. They’ll turn left and see ahead of them the Country Music Hall of Fame, the Schermerhorn Symphony Center, and maybe one day a new Gospel Music Hall of Fame. They’ll walk down the street, head towards the river and come upon Riverfront Park, recently expanded—full of children playing, walkers and joggers on a floating boardwalk, boaters and kayakers. And possibly, in the distance, they’ll hear a crowd cheering at an afternoon double-header." (It'll be in the distance, all right. Can you hear Atlanta from Riverfront Park?) "If that same visitor came out of the convention center and headed south toward the Gulch, they’ll see people, hundreds of them, living there and shopping there. Perhaps they’ll see my daughters in Urban Outfitters." (After this speech, perhaps we'll see you there as a mannequin.) "Our urban core is becoming more interesting and diverse. And we’re attracting the types of people—young people, creative people, smart people—that want to live in a city like Nashville and that will bring the energy, the talent and the resources Nashville needs to continue to succeed." (And can hopefully help me write my next State of the Metro Address.) "It’s something that we don’t acknowledge enough—that these are the types of people that have made us known as Music City U.S.A. and as the healthcare capital of the world. We attract entrepreneurs and artists full of intellectual capital. They’ve given us our heritage, our diverse economy. We need to recognize that and nurture it." (Just not with any budget money.) "Let me stop for a moment and recognize some other people who are listening to this speech today." (This one goes out to Mt. Olivet.) "They’re not here in this room, but they’re watching…students in their classrooms at Hillsboro, Antioch, Hillwood, Pearl-Cohn, Whites Creek and Stratford high schools. Among them are many seniors. And I want to give sincere congratulations to the graduating class of 2008—the students who are now within days of finishing their high school careers. Many of you will go on to further your education, others to the workplace, all of you have made us proud." "Education is my top priority. It’s the top priority for the Metro Council. It’s the governor’s top priority. When you think about it, that’s a pretty amazing fact, that we all share the same top priority—education. Why is that? "The answer is those students in their classrooms today. Each of them deserves the best shot possible at a successful life. And more than that, the welfare of our city is dependent upon them becoming contributing members to our society." (Or at least Metro Council members.) "There are many, many good things going on in our schools today. (Except in the cafeterias.) We have improved our graduation rate from 58 percent several years ago to more than 70 percent today, and that number could go up again as we approach this year’s graduation. (Hooray! Only a third of our students are falling by the wayside!) "The young man who dropped out, he told me he knew he had made a mistake. But the amazing thing about young people is that they will always strive to meet the expectations that are set for them—no matter how high. The challenge we face as a community is to tell every one of our students that we do care, that we do want them to stay. And not only that, but we want them to achieve the highest level of academic success." (So I'm confused. All this kid did was admit that dropping out of high school was a “mistake”? Did he return and get his GED? Give me something, Karl.) "The next two years are critical. Under No Child Left Behind, if we don’t show significant improvement by 2010, the state will be required to take over our school system. And that is not something we want. (Speak for yourself. How could they be worse than our school board?) "When it comes to the success of our kids, I believe everything should be on the table. (It's that type of independent thinking that got Dean elected in the first place.) "We need to recognize that the way our school system looks and works today, the way it has worked in the past, may not be the way it needs to look in order for all of our schools and all of our students to succeed." (Another bold statement. This guy is a white Jeremiah Wright.) "Wayne Gretzky, a noted philosopher and also a pretty good hockey player, once said, 'You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.' The greatest regrets you have in life—that we must not have as a city—are opportunities missed and chances not taken." ( I think my greatest regret was reading this speech.)