Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Crazy Crap The Love Line Is Open
Posted by Pithmaster on Tue, Feb 26, 2008 at 9:20 AM
Due to overwhelming demand, our loathsome yet lovable literary lothario, our resident ravisher of ribald riches, our cunning Casanova of the copulatory canon, Damian Winthrop—who's expounded on everything from college romance to autumnal love to Marcia Brady—is now a regular Pith contributor. So pour yourself a brandy, pull down your window shades, lock your daughters in their rooms and read on—Damian's back.
Damian's Lair: Love Hunting Season Officially Opens!
Dear Damian: My Valentine's Day was a total letdown. I took my girlfriend to a hoity-toity restaurant, got a box of Godiva, flowers, the whole nine yards, and—$280 later—we still wound up in a fight, and we're not talking to each other. Where did I go wrong?
Broke-’N-Hearted
Dear Broke: Mistake No. 1? Hello?! You shouldn't have even had a girlfriend on Valentine's Day! Unless this is “The One” (and we all know there is no such thing, so give it up), always—and I mean always—break up with your lover in mid- to late January. No self-respecting (-loathing?) serial dater allows him- or herself to be burdened with a significant other during the emotional sand trap that occurs every Feb. 14.
Now in the highly improbable event that said lover is actually worth more than 11 months of your life, you can always reconcile in March. But for those of us who follow the cycle of the seasons and the rhythms of love, this is the most wondrous time of year. Here, simply stated, is what I call “Damian's Calendar of Carnal Conduct (or Eternal Bliss in Five Easy Steps)”:
Step 1: In March, as the flowers bloom, temperatures rise, hormones bubble and clothes get skimpy, the hunt is on. Prowl away.
Step 2: By April, narrow the field to just two or three suitable companions with whom to while away the languid summer months.
Step 3: In the fall, winnow it down to the most desirable candidate—you don't want to buy holiday gifts for, and attend Christmas parties with, multiple lovers.
Step 4: After lover No. 1 has kept you warm during the post-holiday January hibernation, concoct some excuse (a pre-existing psychological condition, a sudden change of heart, a parole violation) that requires a breakup. (Be sure to allow at least two weeks before Valentine's Day...anything less is considered crass.)
Step 5: Coast through February unattached. Then go back to Step 1.
It's almost March, the time for renewal—breathe in the fresh start that comes with each spring! Go forth and prosper! Tally ho!
Comments (8)
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Single girl, I tend to prefer attractive, gullible women with low self-esteem. Is that you?
Posted by
Damian
on 02/27/2008 at 11:11 AM
Single girl, perhaps you've unknowingly hit on something!
Damian. Demean. Wow, kind of makes you think!
Posted by
Damian
on 02/27/2008 at 12:14 PM
And no, Mr. Pink, I have a sequence of 69s on my scalp, just below my recently implanted and oh-so-real-looking new hair.
Posted by
Damian
on 02/27/2008 at 12:17 PM
