Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Bear Hugs or Bitch Slaps

Posted By on Tue, Feb 26, 2008 at 3:15 PM

This post violates most of my own Pith guidelines (not local, nothing new to report, no homegrown links), but what the hell. It's only 3 and I'm already thinking about tonight's presidential debate, wondering which Hillary will show up—the one who's honored to share the stage with Barack Obama or the one who's ashamed of his tactics—and whether wine or tea would better suit what promises to be yet another TV glimpse into this schizophrenic candidacy. Don't accuse me of being like this Obamabot just because Hillary is a little bi. Polar. I mean, bipolar. Probably polar too. Maybe bi, but I don't really care. OK, Pith Nation, who can predict the following story lines? Will there be an initial onstage hug or will they awkwardly creep separately to their seats like a pair of bitter exes running into each other at a movie theater? Will Clinton trot out a lame canned line—that's change we can Xerox!—or will she keep her attacks fairly authentic? Will she even attack at all or will she get all Laura Bushy on us like she did in that one debate in Los Angeles? Will Clinton rehash the loony plagiarism charge or will she let it go? Will Obama rise above it all or will he give us a "you're likable enough, Hillary" moment? Will Obama reference Clinton's Iraqi vote more than three times? Will he repeat the old JFK quote about about not negotiating out of fear, as he has in at least a half-a-dozen debates so far? Will Obama bring up the "politics of the past" more than three times? How many times each will Clinton and Obama pass on a question so they can outline the differences between their health care plans? How often will Obama, Clinton and the debate moderators say the words "road map"? Will there be a perfunctory post-debate hug or one of those long, cozy embraces where their faces are so close they're practically butterfly kissing? Will they hug at all? If you can accurately script tonight's debate based on the questions above, a $50 certificate to Sunset is yours. If you're an Obama fan, we know that's the type of trendy restaurant you wine-rack, Prius-driving liberals prefer. If a Hillary supporter wins this sort of debate bingo, we'll work on a Shoney's gift certificate instead. Now let's get to writing.

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