In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
, this week's offering on Not Screened At Press Time Theater. After the jump.
“Wisdom is our hammer…prudence will be our nail,” intones a wise old medieval king as only Burt Reynolds could play him. So take the hammer of wisdom and pound the nail of prudence through your forehead before paying to see this dogpile of tax-shelter sword-and-sorcery, which pits Jason Statham as a brawny farmer (cleverly named “Farmer”) against wicked sorcerer Ray Liotta (sadly, not a misprint), sniveling duke Matthew Lillard and their lumpily latexed, digitally Xeroxed hordes. “You want to accelerate things?” Liotta bellows, perhaps off-screen to his agent before the check bounces. “Fine! We will accelerate!
Alas, the instruction didn’t reach director Uwe Boll, Germany’s master of creatively financed videogame cinema, who slogs this interminable saga out to more than two hours of muddy battle sequences, smudgy effects work and just-shoot-me performances. This being ein film von
Boll, it sounds hilarious in description—c’mon, a royal court presided over by Stroker Ace and Shaggy!—but it's as numbing and depressing to watch as two suits hammering out a film-packaging deal one venal clause at a time.
If not for yeoman panther-puss Ron Perlman, ass-kicking tree sprite Kristanna Loken, and the helium-headed insanity of Reynolds’ endless deathbed scene—which involves, honest to God, a discussion of the agricultural merits of seaweed—this would give the unfortunate viewer no quarter. Or, as Lillard puts it, “no quarters.”
You can just feel the tension in this action-packed still from