Some people think that
competitive eating should be an Olympic sport.
And here's my blunt and hastily formed opinion: That is stupid.
In elementary school, my friends and I played a game called "Who can hold her breath the longest?" whenenever we played in a swimming pool. It was fun, exciting (well, compared to other activities available to six-year-olds), but it was not a sport. We were not athletes; we were just a bunch of first graders who filled our cheeks up with air like amateur puffer fish. We were not athletes when we tried to blow the biggest bubblegum bubble. Nor when we dared that Eric kid to eat eleven packets of butter before the teacher found out and made him stop. We were just kids trying to have a good time. And that's what competitive eaters are like, only older, less cute and a much more disturbing.
Why do non-sports players always want their games to be considered sports? Bowling is not a sport. It is a game that requires skill, like poker or Pac Man. I mean, I've been playing Pac Man in bars for
years and I still can't pass level 3. Darts is not a sport either. Why aren't bowlers and dart players happy to play a game ֠just a game ֠and leave it at that? If bowling, darts and competitive eating are sports, then so is the game of tag. At least tag requires you to run around. You have to zig-zag, start and stop, learn to flee
and learn to chase. I haven't played tag in about ten years (am I a retired athlete?) but I bet I could still kick some third-grader butt if I tried.
So that's my opinion. If competitive eating gets to be an Olympic sport, then tag should be one too. I'd love to hear the commentary on that one: "Well, the players have put their feet in a circle, John. The counting has begun: the bubble gum, bubble gum, is in the dish. How many pieces do they wish? Oh! The Germans picked 20! They're counting, counting...anndddd....yes, I believe....the Swedes are It! This is going to be one hell of a game!"