It's time once again for our annual Boners Issue, in which we highlight the biggest Nashvillian goofs and gaffes of the past calendar year. From toxic bunnies to Islamophobia and beyond, 2013 was a year swollen and throbbing with boners of every shape and size.
Music Ruh-Roh saw a fistful of LOL-worthy boners this year — we'll call them "Intentional Accidental Racism," "Rocketowngate" and "Adam Gold vs. John Rich: Tweetpocalypse" — and we covered those in a section labeled "Honky Tonk Boner-Donkadonk." Click on through to the other side of the jump, where I've snipped and inserted the aforementioned boners.
Here’s a fun little hilarity-filled item to warm the hearts of Cream readers and fans of ye ol’ blog’s favorite lovably comically cantankerous podcast personality Chris Crofton. It’s the Alcohol Stuntman himself, uncannily cast as a spare-pated little kid.
“I’m a Halloween costume,” Crofton tweeted at local filmmaker Seth Pomeroy, who tells the Cream (in both a text message and on Twitter) he stumbled upon the anomalous photo by keying “little kid dressed as old man” in a Google image search.
“THAT’S MIDDLE-AGED MAN THANKS,” Crofton, 44 (he was born in ’69), fired back at Pomeroy via Twitter.
So, parents out there, is your crumb-snatcher a die-hard Crofton Show head? “Yes,” you say? Then consider this for a last-minute Halloween costume idea. The locals, at least in East Nashville, will just melt at the sight when they open their front doors to find a trick-or-treating Mini Crofton.
Follow the Twitter thread as it unfolds, here.
That's precisely what the members of Salvador Dali Parton intend to do. According to a press release sent our way by local label Infinity Cat, SDP is a supergroup made up of Jake Orrall (JEFF the Brotherhood), Mike Harris (Apache Relay), Winston Marshall (Mumford & Sons), Justin Hayward-Young (The Vaccines) and Gill Landry (Old Crow Medicine Show), and they'll be performing six shows here in Nashville this Saturday, Oct. 26. Right on, sounds legit. But what does their material sound like? "We'd love to tell you," says the release. "But the band hasn't even practiced together yet." Further details:
They'll be writing their first songs on Thursday. Having their first full band rehearsal on Friday. And performing their first shows on Saturday. 6 shows to be exact.
Chances are that if you make it to a venue in Nashville on Saturday night, you'll have a pretty good chance of seeing the band performing.
What to expect? Here again. We just don't know. But it's going to be scary. And fun.
The band has already made plans to record all the gigs and thusly release a live album, compiling the best of the performances. With this many chances to perform, we should see some interesting results.
The release says that the six performances take place as follows: 6:45 p.m. at The High Watt; 8 p.m. at Exit/In; 9 p.m. at The Stone Fox; 9:45 p.m. at Springwater; 11 p.m. at Coyote Ranch (house show); and a sixth show to be announced day-of.
So, who plans on hitting all six shows? There will be some other good action in there. The High Watt performance is before My So-Called Band's Halloween blowout, J. Roddy Walston is headlining Exit/In, and Grooms and Jasmin Kaset will be at The Stone Fox. And what the hell will Salvador Dali Parton sound like? I think it'll be avant-garde country-hop. See a clip for reference after the jump.
Look, I'd really like to make fun of this, but in 1:30, I just memorized the Franklin police department's non-emergency number. I mean, it's no Empire jingle, but it's effective.
Just watch ...
Bonus points if you can name Jeff Carson's big pre-police force hit without looking. Answer is here.
You can look at all of this year's winners (writers' picks and readers poll winners) here on the Internet, where you are currently — all in a new and (we hope) more easily navigable format. But! This year you can also do something new with the print issue — which is to unlock and view videos on the page through your smartphone camera.
How is this possible? A nifty app called Layar (the "ar" stands for "augmented reality"). What you do is: 1) download the app; 2) open the app; 3) view the paper through your camera; 4) watch the magic unfold.
All the BON section header pages have these moving Easter eggs embedded, as do a few ads throughout the issue. Here's what happens when you scan the cover:
From the Department of Yes This Is Actually Really Real comes this gem of an item: Urban Outfitters is currently listing the "crazy awesome vintage moto leather jacket from the 1990s" that you see above. (I've been given conflicting definitions of the term "vintage," though many sources say that an article of clothing as little as 20 years old can in fact be defined as such.) As you can see, the jacket is "topped with hand-painted punk logos at like Sex Pistols and Crass [sic]." Now, the listing says that UO only has this one totes authentic jacket available ("so get it or regret it!"), but a handful of obviously in-the-know, sardonic commenters have given the item some notably hilarious "reviews." Some quick highlights:
"Can't wait to wear this to my next Blink 182 concert, they're so hardcore!!! PUNK FOR LIFE! YAY!!!!"
"When i put this jacket on my Easter gift list, i was keeping it punk as all get out."
"... after doing some research I was pleasantly surprised that some of the bands are quite famous."
"The perfect handwriting on this garment has really helped me to get in touch with my punk side. Rebel! Be neat! Smash the system!"
"I guess I didn't notice it at first but this jacket says A*S*S* on it really huge on the back. All the kids at school made fun of me."
The Vintage Men's Punk Leather Jacket is available for $385. Hat-tip goes to Stone Fox co-proprietor Elise Tyler, who posted the listing on her Facebook page.
[…] follows Ben and Jewel Tankard, self-dubbed “The Black Brady Bunch.” This southern family integrates their strong religious conviction with their penchant for the finer things in life.
I don’t recall The Brady Bunch being particularly religious, or wealthy, or prolific gospel musicians (like Tankard), or motivational speakers for the NBA (also like Tankard), or advocates for private aviation (oh, that Tankard!) but they are a blended family, so please, carry on:
With the belief that “God wants us all to be millionaires,” the Tankards aim to be the best and brightest in everything they do.
Oh, He does? I can see how the prosperity gospel would be attractive for people who enjoy things like croquet and owning airplanes, and anyone with a cursory knowledge of theology knows that the Bible is full of contradictory statements. Why listen to the rare explicitness of 1 Timothy 6:10 or Matthew 6:24 when you can double down on whatever is happening in Malachi 3:10?
The series is described as “Nashville-based,” but don’t worry guys: According to Ben’s treasure of a website (there’s a section titled “Benspirations”), they clearly operate out of Murfreesboro.
Thicker Than Water debuts on Bravo Nov. 10.
Suddenly, Steven was thinking about his children.
The father of four had been idly scrolling through his phone when he came across a contact labeled “LIVV.” For a second he considered correcting the typo, but soon decided that there was no point. This contact hadn’t rung him in ages, nor had any of the others. A grotesque life of self-centered hedonism had led him here, alone, in the booth of a diner in a city that meant nothing to him. Steven Tyler, 65 years old, had never even seen his grandchild.
It's become common knowledge that the bigots of Fred Phelps-led Kansas-based congregation Westboro Baptist Church are just about the biggest trolls under the sun. They show up to picket all sorts of events — from soldiers' funerals to pop concerts — in wildly inappropriate fashion, brandishing signs that sport vile slogans like "God hates fags" and "Fags doom nations" in hopes of gaining attention from the media. Some say it's a money-making scam, but others aren't so sure. Either way, as a member of the media I'm sorry to say that the part about getting people to talk about them frequently works. So forgive me as I spill more digital ink over America's most loathed and loathsome group of degenerate scumbags — but this is too good not to share.
Nashville's own Vince Gill — easily one of the hardest-working singers, songwriters and guitar-slingers in the country music game — is currently touring in support of Bakersfield, his recent release with steel master Paul Franklin. On Sunday night, Gill's tour brought him to Kansas City's Kauffman Center for the Performing Arts. Seeing as how it was in Westboro Baptist's neck of the woods — and seeing as how his current marriage to fellow performer Amy Grant is neither Gill's nor Grant's first — members of the WBC showed up at the Kauffman Center to protest the show.
YouTube user Sienna Stylish posted the above video of Gill confronting the Westboro Baptist Church members outside the Kauffman Center. Sienna Stylish's profile says she's "dedicated to exposing the insanity of the Westboro Baptist 'Church,' " though it's entirely possible this person is a WBC operative posing as a freedom fighter in order to gain more clicks — that's exactly the sort of thing those people do. Anyhow, as you can see in the video, Gill says he "came out to see what hatred really looked like in the face." A WBC member filming the exchange asks Gill, "Don't you know that divorce plus marriage equals adultery?" Gill responds by saying, "Don't you know that you fuckers are lucky that you don't have a sign that says something about my wife?" Gill goes on to say, "[Jesus Christ] said a lot of stuff about forgiveness, about grace — you guys don't have any of that." He then calls one member "a big dipshit" before asking, "Are any of you guys Phelpses, or are you like the C Team?"
So, again, I'm sorry to give these guys more press, but I'm proud to call Vince Gill a fellow Nashvillian.
This week, wedged in next to a letter directed at President Obama titled "No Credibility," is a letter written by an angry grandpa (or grandma) who obviously doesn't read the Scene. After explaining that "Ticked Off" is the "first thing I read in the newspaper every week" (thereby proving that he or she is indeed a seething cauldron of righteous rage), the ornery grandparent tells the story of visiting a "certain 8th Avenue record store" (are there any other than Grimey's?) and ... well, it's too priceless not to just quote directly:
I am ticked off at a certain 8th Avenue record store. I brought my grandson there to buy a record on Tuesday. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they still even make real records like we had back in the day.
But the record he wanted, displayed prominently for all to see was by a local band called "Diarrhea Planet."
The cover had a picture of a hand with a knife going through it. My grandson is 11 years old. I explained to him that both the cover and the name were disgusting, and I was having no part of it, and I told the clerk it was vile.
If we have to live on a "diarrhea planet" show me where to get off!
Just ... how even ... I just ... I can't. First of all, as I noted in my feature, DP's name falls "somewhere between Butthole Surfers and the aforementioned Fucked Up on the 'honestly not that bad' end of the Offensive Band Name Spectrum." Second, by "picture," this person means "cartoon." Third, fuck it, I can't say anything that's funnier than the letter itself. So why don't we see what DP frontman Jordan Smith has to say about it?
"I don't really know what to say other than that I feel bad for the kid," says Smith. "It brings back memories from my own childhood. I remember trying to coax my mom into letting my buy Lit's A Place in the Sun and her telling me no because there was a picture of the band members drinking bloody marys and beers on the back. Hopefully this 11-year-old has access to a computer where he can download the record without his grandpa harshing his mellow, or an older sibling who can sneak him a copy under the table."
DAMN! I didn't know you guys used my video! Sweet!
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