Well, my dear, dear Creamy friends, it's time again for the grand anti-climax. For the second year in a row, I don't really have a dog in the finale fight. (RIP Skylar; RIP Joshua.) Yes, I want a lady to win. Then again, I don't think Robo-Sanchez has ever done anything vaguely interesting. Yes, I want to make sweet love to Phillip Phillips. Then again, he is not in the least qualified to win a national singing competition. Oh well, someone has to win a lifetime guarantee of fame and fortune. Just ask Lee DeWyze!

You can tell tonight is special because they've relocated the circus to the Nokia Theater and J-Lo looks like a glammed-up member of the Borg. Small Wonder is up first, singing producer Simon Fuller's choice, and I can already see that she's wearing a silly ballad gown. She is singing Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing." Because of course she is. I feel like her voice has gotten less impressive over the weeks. You know every note she's gonna hit (hint: It's the exact same one the original artists did). Let me also mention the empty emotional pantomime that results when a 16-year-old home-schooler sings a song about intense, undying love. So yeah, Jessica's first performance is exactly what you expected it to be.

And since we're on the topic of Nashvillians hitting the late-night circuit, let's talk JEFF the Brotherhood. As I'm sure you'll recall, we at the Cream broke the news that JEFF and their label, Infinity Cat, were inking a deal with Warner Brothers over a year ago. Warner just sent out the official release this month, however — that's why you're seeing Johnny-come-lately bloggers talk about it as though it's fresh news — and amid all the info was this little nugget: "The band's upcoming album Hypnotic Nights ... will be released by Warner Bros. Records on July 17th. The band will perform on The Late Show with David Letterman that night." Hypnotic Nights was, of course, recorded with Black Key Dan Auerbach, and JEFF the Brotherhood's preview EP, Hypnotic Knights, is (as promised) out today. No word on whether or not Fallon vets JEFF will bring a sandwich-nomming buddy along for the late-night ride this time.

Ahoy-hoy, my fellow travelers on this epic Idol journey. We're almost there! I swear. This week, we're going to be treated to three (three!) performances from the top three as well as footage from the annual "hometown visits." Let's get to it.

First round features a judges' pick. For Joshua, Randy has chosen an Etta James song, "I'd Rather." Mr. Ledet does his thing on it, and into an old fashioned microphone no less. I like a mid-tempo ballad on him. He gets a standing ovation, of course. I thought it was a great performance, but let's give him some room to top himself. Steven says, "This is another Joshua moment." It's interesting that the judges have helped solidify his brand as a "throwback" artist. I don't feel like that was as clear early in the season.

As I'm sure you all assumed, I am still recovering from the devastating dismissal of my gal Skylar Laine last week. Bulllllshit. America is dumb. Needless to day, the show lost a great deal of sparkle with her departure. Fortunately, Steve Haruch raised my spirits with this link. Get thee to Nashville young lady. You're gonna be a big star.

This week's double theme is "California Dreaming" (vague) and "Songs You Wish You Had Written" (vaguer). Let's get to it, sugar dumplings.

Phillip Phillips is up first singing "Have You Ever Seen the Rain." (Cut to John Fogerty; who do you think builds all those swimming-in-money rooms?) In some ways, I don't even have the energy to comment on Phillip anymore. Remember when he was my boyfriend? Sigh. Anyway, there is just no range in his performances. You could hear something better in any dive bar across America, and then afterward, a drunk dude would stumble up to PP and say, "Like, hey, dude, you sung good tonight." This performance was no different — it was inoffensive, middling and had no arc. Steven says, "You're living proof that the road to success is always under construction," which sounds sort of like a backhanded compliment. Let's be serious: Even he doesn't know what he means anymore. J-Lo loved it, of course. In this moment, I miss Simon Cowell.

Here we go, Creamsicles. Another day, another destiny. This week there are two themes: the '60s and Brit pop. In a hilarious twist, some scarf-wearing ogre named Little Steven is mentoring. They even got his "Boss" on tape talking about him. Has anyone ever sung Springsteen on Idol? I'd like to see that. The ogre is wearing an insane purple blazer and sitting on a backwards-turned chair. Hip shit.

Holly is up first, singing "River Deep, Mountain High." The ogre tells her to act like she doesn't care what people think. This might be exactly what she needs. This performance is certainly a pleasant surprise. She lets loose with that big voice and actually manages to move around the stage without looking terrified. The judges loved the performance. I love J-Lo's red dress.

An interview with Church was featured in the most recent issue of Rolling Stone — the Stone of course doesn't seem to have posted the interview online anywhere yet, but a blog with a name that probably also functions as its MO (Keepin' It Country) transcribed a bit of the Q&A. Church dogs on the reality-performance program The Voice for a while — along with judges/coaches Blake Shelton and Cee Lo Green — before turning his guns on modern rock 'n' roll:

“Rock & Roll has been very emo or whatever the f—. It’s very hipster. We played Lollapalooza and I was stunned at how pussy 90 percent of those bands were. Nobody’s loud. It’s all very f—-n’ Peter, Paul and Mary sh–.”

As awesome as a phrase like "fuckin' Peter, Paul and Mary shit" no doubt is, I had to look into the alleged emo-or-whatever-the-fuck outfits in question. Google tells me that the only year Mr. Church ever played Lollapalooza was 2009. Also, he played on Friday, so we'll narrow the list of the bands he's potentially dissing down to just rock bands that performed at Lollapalooza Friday, August 7, 2009. Here we go: Manchester Orchestra, White Lies, Ben Folds, The Decemberists, Kings of Leon, Heartless Bastards, Crystal Castles, Of Montreal, Hockey, Zap Mama, Bon Iver, Fleet Foxes, Andrew Bird and Peter Bjorn and John.

Well? Is that a list you might consider "90 percent pussy" (if you're the sort of person who would say something like that)? I was prepared to be like, "O rly, Eric Church?" But after seeing a list with names on it including Of Montreal, Bon Iver, Fleet Foxes and Peter Bjorn and John ... well, I'm not saying that Church has a point, per se. I'm only conceding that Of Montreal's Kevin Barnes isn't exactly Motorhead's Lemmy Kilmister, am I right?

Ahoy-hoy, gentle Cream readers. It's time for another evening of singing and moving robotically on American Idol! First, we have to discuss the shock of all shocks — local boy Colton's elimination. I was genuinely surprised. They keep telling us the tweens always win, but maybe there is hope yet. That said, I stand by my affection for his "September" last week. Colton, we will miss your skinny pants, your Jesus talk and, of course, the hair. See you at The Rutledge, my brother.

Let's get to the action. This week is all about Queen, and the show opens on a surprising note with the contestants joining Brian May and Roger Taylor for a medley. I love how gay queen is — sometimes it seems like Freddie Mercury was enacting a top secret plan to get straight people to like as much gay stuff as possible. World, consider yourself punked! (Rob Halford from Judas Priest, who is now out and proud, did the same thing with all the leather.) The medley is fine. Elise sounds great on this stuff, and something about Holly and Jessica singing "We Will Rock You" without an ounce of the necessary conviction or self-awareness makes me laugh.

Again this week the contestants will be singing two songs: a Queen jam and then their personal choice.

Welcome back, you Creamtastic fools. I'm feeling a little ... er ... under the weather this week after a late night of Wii bowling, but I shall soldier on. Just like Jessica Sanchez! Apparently, according to the intro package, we should all still be reeling from BB Chez's close call last week. Are they trying to set her up as some sort of underdog? Honestly, I don't know why everyone is pretending to be surprised when the exact same thing happened last year to Pia Toscano. Technically skilled, pretty, poised ladies, it seems America no longer has any use for you.

Seacrest opens the show by mentioning the passing of Dick Clark. It's actually kind of a sweet moment. After all, Clark was the proto-Seacrest. But with fewer Kardashians.

Tonight, each contestant will be singing two songs — the first, a No. 1 hit from 2000 through today, and second, a soul song inspired by Soul Train. Sounds kind of fun!