Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Spurgeon’s General Warning: These Are Not the Songs of Summer

Posted By on Tue, Jul 29, 2014 at 9:00 AM

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It shouldn’t be this hard. There are a couple hundred top-tier performers in the world that ought to be ready to step up and deliver to the grind-happy public what it needs. There are thousands of songwriters and producers, many of whom have decades of experience, who should have been preparing for this moment since last fall. There are hundreds of thousands of people in the music industry at large, selling and promoting and pushing what will bring in whatever sweet, sweet money is left. And then there’s you and me, the millions of consumers. We are typically pretty good at discerning good pop! We are the same people who heard “Hey Ya!” and “Umbrella” and “Teenage Dream” and promoted them to their rightful place in the pantheon.

But this year? No. Every song this summer is terrible.

Iggy Azalea, “Fancy”

I don’t know if I’m more embarrassed by this as a woman, a white person, or someone who falls under the umbrella of the "millennial" generation.

RILLEST
BIDNESS
WHUUU
DIS

You know how people think Will Smith says “Welcome to Earf!” in Independence Day? He doesn’t. He clearly says “Earth.” Iggy would say “Earf” because she thinks that's how Will Smith says it, because of American blackness. This song is problematic and shitty — the peanut butter and chocolate of poor taste. Next.


MAGIC!, “Rude”

This band looks like a bunch of assholes. It's like a roofied vodka soda gained sentience and transformed itself into a music group who loves (just loves!) weed. I don't believe, for one second, that any of them have ever loved an adult woman. I hate that they make me align myself with the patriarchy, because I'm pretty sure this girl cannot be trusted to make her own choices if that dude is the kind of choices she's making. I will end this summer by entering into my 30th year of Refusing to Give Reggae a Shot, all because of songs like this. Frankly, I think Jamaica has a lot to answer for.


Jason Derulo, "Wiggle"

Let's be real for a minute (I'm sorry, "rill"): Throwing Snoop on any track in 2014 is just a distraction. Congratulations. You got Snoop. He's famous. My mom loves him. Is he really contributing anything other than showing up and being the most affable 42-year-old man on the planet? Not really. Second problem: Booooooring! The audacity to have a song about shaking asses and then providing nothing to shake that ass to! Geez, "Thong Song" put more effort into the genre, and 90 percent of Sisqo's life effort went into doing back flips and maintaining his dye job. This shit makes me long for the days of LMFAO.

Anyway.

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