Thursday, September 26, 2013

Thirteen Touring Bands That (Probably) Won’t Play Nashville

Posted By on Thu, Sep 26, 2013 at 1:55 PM

SadNash.jpg
Not to belabor an old point, but if I had a Mexican peso for every time the Scene has lamented how lots of A-list artists routinely skip Nashville on tour, I’d probably be able to singlehandedly cover a reunited My Bloody Valentine’s guarantee and bankroll an ear-splitting orgasm of swoon-worthy shoegaze at the Ryman without even cutting pleasure expenses like HBO and aged Irish whiskey from my monthly budget.

That said, such posts really have gotten fewer and farther between over the past two or three years, as Music City has increasingly landed a growing impressive host of household names and hot-shit headliners from Beyonce and Lady Gaga to Paul McCartney and Roger Waters, many of whom made Music City debuts.

Shit’s going so well on the Nashville concert scene that our own Bridgestone Arena recently made Rolling Stone’s list of “the nation’s coolest arenas and stadiums.” And shit, fuckin’ Atoms for Peace are coming here — that’s some shit Radiohead doesn’t even do. Moreover, Nashville’s about to totally get the kind of venue Radiohead would totally play when Riverfront Amphitheater opens downtown, someday. And a legion of Middle Tennessee dorks are still probably pinching themselves over Neutral Milk Hotel’s upcoming Ryman appearance.

Nevertheless, many artists still skip us on their worldwide outings. Even worse is how inevitable it seems. Was anyone here surprised when The Rolling Stones didn’t tack a Nashville date on their recent We’re Old as Fuck; See Us Before We Croke Tour? Meanwhile, Rob Zombie and Korn are coming to town.

Below is a list of 13 currently touring (or about-to-be-touring) artists I predict will totally not come here. In the case of most of them, let’s all cross fingers and hope that I’m wrong, even though I’m probably totally right.

Depeche Mode
I’m seriously flying to California this weekend, where the Mode is doing three sold-out nights at L.A.’s Staples Center. That’s how much I love me some fresh Depeche. Is said love really such an anomaly in Nashville? The band tours every couple years, and Nashville hasn’t been on the itinerary since the Music for the Masses Tour hit Starwood in 1988. For shame!

My Bloody Valentine
MBV is a prime example of a band that reunites, gets fawned over at some high-profile festivals, plays the dozen biggest markets in the nation and forgets that every landlocked locale not name Denver or Chicago even exists at all. Seriously, massive gun control has better chance of coming to Tennessee

Jay-Z
Despite rockin’ Bill Clinton-like status in the hip-hop world, Jay-Z hasn’t (Bonnaroo not included) come to Nashville since playing Vandy three or four years ago. His massive double-bill with Kanye skipped us, and his current tour is skipping us. Let’s really hope I’m wrong.

Kanye West
(See Jay Z.)

Drake
Drake’s the hot shit right now, and he totally wants to unseat Kanye from the hip-hop throne or something. That can only mean the rapper’s probably double not returning to Nashville into well after he solidifies world domination.

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
Anyone who witnessed born superstar Macklemore’s Day Four domination of Bonnaroo back in June knows exactly why (in addition to mega-hit “Thrift Shop” and hip-hop game-changer “Same Love”) they've rapidly ascended to arena status.

The duo’s message of tolerance, unity and awesomeness so deeply resonates that, in addition to gigs at Staples Center and The Theater at Madison Square Garden, their forthcoming tour takes them to such Middle American hotspots as Boise, Idaho’s Taco Bell Arena and the Cedar Park Center in exotic Cedar Park, Texas. But no Nashville date? The fuck?

MGMT
A couple years back, art-rockers MGMT packed the Ryman (and turned a killer show to boot) on the heels of an aggressively inaccessible sophomore follow-up to an overnight-sensation pop debut. So what gives when it comes to the band playing Memphis and Atlanta on the their fall tour and skipping Nashville along the way? Are they just plotting a gig at Third Man? That’d be cool.

Phish
Not like I’m a member of the mass cult that gives a shit if Phish ever does another non-Bonnaroo Middle Tennessee date for as long as they play long-ass shows. I’m just saying that if they did, people would probably go.

Pearl Jam
(See Phish.)

Rihanna
If Tennesseans turned out for Beyonce and Lady Gaga, they’ll show for Rihanna, right?

Dixie Chicks
Judging by the abounding love lost between outspoken Dixie Chicks singer Natalie Maines and Nashville, a Music City date on the country trio’s comeback tour, which launches in Canada next month, seems unlikely. It can bomb quietly in the event that does bomb.

Rocket From the Crypt
RFTC would draw 120 or so overjoyed 30-something indie-rawk fans (a la Archers of Loaf last year) to Mercy Lounge or Exit/In, and that would be considered a relative success for Nashville. Which is really kind of depressing, especially seeing as how the reunited San Diego rockers sound potent as ever these days.

Miley Cyrus
Since Miley Cyrus’s hasn’t even announced an arena tour to pair with her diabolically brilliant self-reinvention as 2013’s walking, talking, twerking, tongue-slinging veritable Piss Christ of pop culture, I’m sure such a jaunt inevitably looms on the horizon. This prediction is a total shot in the dark of course (relying on educated intuition here), and Miley has made Nashville a regular stop on pop jaunts past, but I could totally see the former Hannah Montana star skipping her former stomping grounds in her current incarnation and holding out for a gospel makeover or something.

(Stray observation: Miley’s Macklemore hair is totally an overcompensating coiffure for her father’s seminal, iconic Achy Breaky mullet, doncha think?)

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