Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Spurgeon’s General Warning: Four Rooms

Posted By on Tue, Feb 12, 2013 at 10:13 AM

dollhouse.jpg
"There is nothing new under the sun,” said THE BIBLE. That’s how old that one is. Turns out there are only so many creative ways to make a music video. Live performances, chasing after women, wrecking stuff. They’ve all been done a million times. But another popular one you may not have noticed right away is the “the set is like a dollhouse, watch us move from room to room!” It’s done in traditional sitcoms, and The Life Aquatic, and an absolute ton of pop videos:

Leona Lewis, “Bleeding Love”


 
Leona Lewis is basically the British Kelly Clarkson, or the Hot Susan Boyle, or the Solo Lady One Direction, however you want to think about it. “Bleeding Love,” a very good ballad about being in love with serial killer, employs the doll’s house cutout of sad affairs.

But seriously, the chorus to this song is clearly a cry for help.
 

Destiny’s Child, “Say My Name”


 
Beyoncé, Kelly, poor Michelle (who didn’t even sing on this track), Some Other Girl (who also didn’t even sing on this track) and early-2000s beefcake slide from monochromatic room to monochromatic room, symbolizing “this looks cool.” The fun thing about Destiny’s Child is to compare teen Beyoncé to present-day Beyoncé: She’s one of the rare examples of a pop singer whose talent grew in direct proportion to her egotism.


No Doubt, “Just a Girl”

Have you seen the Gwen Stefani commercial for the Windows phone? I guess part of feminism is being 43 and suddenly adopting deep vocal fry and complaining that songwriting is “so hard.” Listen to your song you dummy! We know that’s not your speaking voice. There’s plenty of proof.

Anyway, men’s rooms are gross (I recently had to utilize a men’s room that smelled like a literal petting zoo, I’m certain there was piss on the walls: This was in a restaurant), and women’s rooms are tolerable-to-nice, unless you encounter BLOOD which is a likely prospect (real talk). 


 

Lindsay Lohan, “Confessions of a Broken Heart (Daughter to Father)”


 
Yikes, right? Lohan’s video employs the “gawk at the zoo animals” style of room-to-room transition, because she has not a subtle bone in her body. Anyway, Lindsay Lohan, huh? Remember how she used to be charming/pitiable rather than completely terrible? Nature (the genes of her terrible parents) AND nurture (being raised by her terrible parents and coke dealers) sure did a number on this one.
 
BONUS: Here’s a picture of drunk Lindsay and her drunk mother basically making out while her unloved brother sits to the side, wishing he were dead.
 

DOUBLE BONUS:

Smashing Pumpkins, “Ava Adore”

Subverting the trope!

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