So, like, everybody knows that Nashville's favorite superstar Taylor Swift recently split with One Direction heartthrob Harry Styles. Or maybe she didn't? Anyway, on the off chance that we caught Babygirl Tay-Tay betwixt relationships — and we may have already missed that narrow window, who knows — why don't we explore Taylor's options in (mostly) Nashville-centric fashion? Of course, The Onion has already put forth a couple of potential suitors — some a little darker than others — but we won't go there.
For reference — and so that we don't list someone she's already canoodled (how embarrassing would that be!) — here's a list of pretty much everyone Swift has ever dated. Oh, also, somebody painstakingly deciphered who each song on Swift's album Red is about so that we don't have to. Let's dive in after the jump! Props to my fellow Creamster Adam Gold for assisting in the construction of this post.
Candidate: Nashville Predators mascot GNASH
Potential couple nicknames: GNASHlor; Preda-Tay
Pros: GNASH is a native Nashvillian, and since he just entertains at home games, he'd always be in town to answer Taylor's beck and/or call. No more of this double-jetsetting, two-ships-passing-in-the-night business. Stability!
Cons: Even though GNASH's bio says that he was discovered as "a baby saber tooth tiger, completely frozen in a huge block of ice" or something, the Predators have been around since 1998. That would make GNASH 15, which is obviously too young for Tay-Tay by about three years. But in cat years, GNASH is actually about 76, which seems a touch too old. Right? Maybe not.
Candidate: Mayor Karl Dean
Potential couple nicknames: Karlor; Maylor
Pros: There's no better way to plant your flag in a city than to hook up with the mayor. We all know that Mayor Dean is a fan of the arts.
Cons: Mayor Dean is married to Anne Davis. Apologies, Mrs. Davis, it won't happen again.
Candidate: Jack White
Potential couple nicknames: JackTay; Whift; Red Stripe
Pros: This would properly cement Jack and Taylor as the King and Queen of Nashville. Like any proper royal coupling, love doesn't necessarily need to be part of the equation.
Cons: Jack "gave [monogamy] up a long time ago," and that probably wouldn't work for Queen Taylor.
Candidate: Ricky Skaggs
Potential couple nickname: Swaggs
Pros: Swift could probably lessen the risk of losing her "country" tag if she had some expertly played mandolin parts on her songs, right?
Cons: Too weird.
Candidate: Daniel Day Lewis as Abraham Lincoln, or Daniel Daybraham Lincoln
Potential couple nickname: Taybraham; Day Tay; Tay Day
Pros: DDL, a true method actor, could help Swift hone those acting chops. Plus, Swift with faux-first-lady status? Classy.
Cons: When Lewis begins preparations for the role of Jake Gyllenhaal in a biopic on the young hunk's life, Swift may decide that she and DDL should split and never, ever get back together.
Candidate: Chris "Carnival Kia Guy" Bostick
Potential couple nickname: Taystick
Pros: Taylor replacing Dessie in those family-featuring Carnival Kia ads sounds like an everybody-wins kind of scenario.
Candidate: Bob Mueller's mustache
Potential couple nicknames: Taystache; Swiftwig
Pros: They're both blond. They're both Nashville icons, and they're both well-groomed.
Cons: I can't see any, to be perfectly honest with you.
Candidate: Deacon Claybourne
Potential couple nickname: Taybourne
Pros: Perhaps Swift would be the first to break through the rough-hewn exterior of Nashville's go-to sideman with a heart of gold.
Cons: Deacon is technically a fictional character. But, I posit, no more so than Taylor Lautner.
Candidate: Avery Barkley
Potential couple nickname: Tayvery
Pros: Think of the drama! With Taylor's ex, "Laser Eyes" Deacon, mean-mugging from the sidelines, you know there'd be some excellent Nashville episodes to come out of it.
Cons: Swift has already used the lyric "And you would hide away and find your peace of mind / With some indie record that's much cooler than mine," so what's left to say?
Candidate: Manti Te'o
Potential couple nickname: Tay'o
Pros: He's not Nashvillian, but if Tay-Tay wants to start keeping her romantic life on the D.L., this guy's perfect. Why? Because if the catfished football star ever tells the press that he's dating her, no one will believe him.
Cons: Swift may blink out of existence, leaving us to find that she was just a figment of our collective imagination all along. And then everyone will call Te'o a liar again.
Candidate: Sonny Moore, aka Skrillex
Potential couple nickname: Taylex
Pros: Zeitgeist, anyone? They both love gestures, and we all know that Skrills loves Nashville.
Cons: Not sure the world is ready for the genre mash-up that would come out of this coupling.
Candidate: John Boehner
Potential couple nickname: TayBoehn
Pros: Also not Nashvillian, but my colleague Adam Gold was a big fan of this hypothetical hookup. Maybe Taylor's got some solid bipartisan ideas to bring to the table?
Cons: It's John Boehner.
Candidate: Hunter Hayes
Potential couple nickname: Haylor
Pros: The (debatable) "Justin Bieber of country music"? It's perfect! They've already toured together, and we know they get along. Perfect!
Cons: Maybe too perfect.
Got a better hypothetical suitor to throw our way? Let's hear it!