Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Creamtastic Swank's Guide to the Hate Life, Volume 3
Posted by Ben Swank on Wed, Feb 8, 2012 at 3:24 PM
Dearest Swank,
My band is called The New Elvis. Is that a bad name? One venue has even said they won't book us unless we change our name. Should we change it or just stick with it?
Sincerely,
B. Danley
If you’re calling yourselves "The New Elvis," you better be hot, naked, buttery, dripping soul up there on the stage. You better be dudes who every dude wants to bang and every girl wants to bang behind their dude's back that you’re already banging.
And if you’re that good, then forget that venue and the promoter who “won’t” book you … go straight to Aloha Hawaii Live From the Satellite of Love.
You know what? You guys should just call yourselves Elvis Presley, Kings of Fuck.
A while back I thought I'd be a good scene supporter, so I let a touring band crash at my house. Boring story short, I know (beyond any shadow of a goddamned doubt) that one of them stole from me. And while I can't for sure say which one it is, I have an overwhelmingly good idea. I've long since given up the idea of diplomacy, so I guess my question is: How do I most effectively mount a smear campaign?
Hatefully Yours,
Shirtpanties
First: ASSHOLES. Whoever they are. There isn’t a band good enough in the world where stealing from people who put you up is OK. Like, if even Iggy Pop crashed on my floor at some point and the next day he stole my titty-shaped salt and pepper shakers, I’d be all like, “Go screw, Iggy Pop. Yeah, Lust for Life is a monster jam and all but I got a lust for my boob salt and now it’s GONE. Dick."
Do they still make that Soldier of Fortune magazine? I’d find one of those "mercenaries" who advertises in the back and send him around to the band's house with a photographer to kick the thieving rat’s ass. Post the pics on the band's Facebook. Also, a flyering campaign around their hometown. Is the band Wavvvvves? For the sake of argument, let’s just say it is … So the flyers can say something like “Wavvves Can’t Party and Has Herpes,” and get a street team to put them up all over their hometown.
Now, having said all that, I have to say that just talking shit about people can be a much stronger tool against larcenist pieces of chump change than you may have realized, and it requires very little to no effort at all. I’d start with “So this shitty band that has herpes and steals from people ... ”
Yo Swank,
How can I get my hands on a "Hate Life" sweater.
John, Chester UK.
John, the only way to get one is to have a badass girlfriend with some boss knitting steaze and a whole lot of time on her hands. It helps if she’s trying to support you through another unsuccessful attempt at a booze vacation. Lots of sitting around … Knetflix and Knitting are the two key Ks to sobriety.
Sorry, what was the question?
Dear Swank,
I'm having a problem with one of my friends. We've been best friends now for 16 years (since we were six!), but for the past two years, we've been drifting apart. The problem is, he won't quit smoking pot. Now, I don't mean a joint a day or something. I mean he is high ALL THE TIME. We're neighbors and I hear the bong and his bong and then him coughing around 8 am and it doesn't stop until about midnight. Because of it, he's stopped playing drums for me and my roommate, he's become an idiot, he smells like shit, and he's turned off the hot chicks who wanted to get with him. And when I told him my friend Mallory was no longer interested in him because he doesn't do anything and he's high all the time, he just said,"Weed is part of who I am." I want him to stop being a boring piece of shit, but what do I do?
Frustrated in Fort Collins
I don’t know man, your friend sounds kind of awesome. Is it Wes from Natural Child?
I know a thing or two about friendship. I go through a lot of them. But my oldest friend, Jimmy Danger, I’ve had since I was 6 years old. I’d do anything for Jimmy. Except keep him from doing something he enjoys. If you really loved your next-door-neighbor bong buddy, you’d support him instead of trying to tear him down and make him play drums and date sexy ladies and stuff. I’m just kidding. Drums and bitches is the best!
But for real, I know plenty of active potheads who do stuff and shower and everything. The problem is probably less his active pursuit of the couch-based party life and more his cruddy attitude towards the Mechanisms of Life. Shit’s grinding him DOWN. Take him outside and show him how to punch a rainbow or something. That’s the kinda thing buddies do together. The more you know …
Comments (12)
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So, then, does your girlfriend have an Etsy site, lots of free time, and a lust for cash? Because I think there's some money to be made in the field of Hate Life sweaters.
S-man, "Did You Ever Know That You're My Hero"...oh, and that STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease) talk really freaks me out and it's a good reminder for "the kids" = "caution in play" since it is possible to catch STD's and other stuff when being intimate. Other stuff, like bacterial meningitis, can even be spread from sharing untensils, drinks (i.e., soda cans, water bottles, etc.). It always freaked me out when I would watch a Pearl Jam video (on utube) and see Eddie Vedder sharing his (usual during concert) bottle of wine with audience members (who knows what could be lerking out there amongst his adoring fans). You touched a nerve with me hate-life man. Ever since getting training to be an environmental health tech/preventive medicine specialist in the army, that stuff has stuck with me for life. One of my various jobs was doing health inspections at food places (mess-halls were the best and "hellish" could describe all the rest) and after seeing the "behind the scenes" in all of those kitchens, well , I have to be honest, I hate going out to restaurants for meals. Damn there's a lot of stuff I hate.
well if you really wanna see if The New Elvis is hot, buttery, etc., they are playing Cafe Coco Feb. 24th. come see if they live up to the name.
swank? some awesome stand up guy? you kiddin me? he aint nothing but sleazy scum. he used to sleze and slime up to cinci and messed up my girl all whiles hitched to someone else. he dont hate life he hates women. heard hes hooked up with some dumb bitch half his age now. figures. what a piece of shit. looks like shit now to.
S-man has been pretty polite to me every time I've seen him, so personally I can't say that he hates all women. I have been around some jerk scum myself during my adventures in the big ol Music City, USA. I can honestly say though, never while hanging out around the TMR complex. As a matter of fact the folks there gave me back my confidence about feeling safe to hang out around music folks in Nashville again. "Life goes on with and without". Hope ya find your place of peace. I have, movin on from the country dudes to the rockers who know how to soothe the monster beast that lives in us all and especially in me. Oh, now would be a good time to tell my rock bro's "Happy Valentines Day" ,a little early, and since I have been feeling like shit and feel like I have been looking like shit myself, I might wait an extra week (while seriously gettin back into the work-out routine) to drop by the shop to hand out my gifts of love (some old music/recently reissued again on vinyl).
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