Dear Mr. Swank,
What am I doing wrong? No one likes me.
I’d argue that you’re doing everything RIGHT. You’re probably a nice guy. Most people are terrible — even when you try to be a good dude, they take it as a sign of weakness and treat you like a child. They act like life is one big game of Four Sqaure and they have to evict everyone else as the Mayor of Life. A lot of those guys you see at the coffee shop thrive on power struggles, competition and one-upsmanship. The only way sure to get people to like you is to act like a rude asshole. Barely make eye contact, use one- or two-word replies when people ask you questions, and just generally act like you’re bored to be in whatever situation you happen to be in. I guarantee people will be going out of their way to impress you in no time.
My roommate's girlfriend (who doesn't live with us) has stayed every night at our house for the past month. She has slowly started to take over the house and started to tell us what we can and cannot do. Basically she has moved in over the past month without asking and without paying rent or utilities. I believe she shouldn't live here because that's not what I agreed to. But at the very least she should pay? Right? What should I do, Swank?!
She should pay (either financially or by making an effort to at least be nice). But truth is, you’re gonna either have to learn to live with her or start thinking about moving out. When you ask for money for utilities — How many showers does she take a day? You should stand outside the bathroom with a clipboard — your roommate is going to get super pissy about it. He’s just not gonna SEE it. The only other option you have aside from sucking it up is getting creative and breaking that shit up. Plant exotic pubic hairs under his sheets, or put a dead mouse in one of her “Can I just have a box?” food cartons in the fridge.
Maybe you should seduce her. Get your seduction on. Like, when she’s on her way to one of those multiple showers you mentioned that she takes each day, there you are, with your robe on eating a cheeseburge. “Hey, how’s it goin'... You like cheesy B’s?” Bite. Swoon.
I just know you will have some insight for me. I don't understand men at all. After two months of witty and engaging banter, a man I was interested in quit speaking to me. I won't deny that I openly expressed my interest in him. My friends say that all the attention I gave him was too much to handle for someone who seems to be self-loathing. Too much truth. I think they are trying to make me feel better about being dismissed by someone I adore. Do you think he's just a louse?
Did you say something gross or break the illusion that you are a perfect female/human in any way? Guys hate that. We’re all like, “Hey, I wear the pajamas in THIS family.”
Any chance of a TMR/Vault mobile app? Also, what's the deal with the new blues and steady as she goes reissues?
Sorry, but Ask Swank is in no way related to or associated with Third Man Records. While, yes, I do know the answer to this question, I’m going to choose to defer.