Thursday, August 25, 2011

Spurgeon's General Warning: Daddy Issues

Posted By on Thu, Aug 25, 2011 at 9:09 AM

Wasn’t last week fun, when we were talking about music on TV? There are many examples of the form, from the sublime to the hilarious, but I want to give particular thanks to the commenters who reminded me about Anthrax on Married with Children and Motörhead on The Young Ones. True story: When Scott Ian was a VH1 talking head for the assorted I Love Decades, my mom said he would be really cute if he just shaved his beard. And she’s right! I did a little research and found out there’s only an age difference of a year between the two, so what I’m trying to say is I really want Scott Ian to be my new dad.

My mother has made no aesthetic judgment of Lemmy, to my knowledge. Check out their respective televised gigs down below:

Did you know GWAR was on The Jerry Springer Show?

In other news, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill are now available in Barbie form. This isn’t that big of a deal, really — celebrity musicians have been molded into plastic for decades — but what I find odd is that the dolls are being released in conjunction with the couple's 15th anniversary. I would advise the pair to be careful with this kind of PDA. If anything happens to the relationship, their kids are going to turn to the dolls and either A) Recreate the breakup trauma over and over, until the horrible reality of their shattered home becomes just another meaningless game, or B) Play-act a blissful dream world where Mommy and Daddy still love each other and the whole family is going out for ice cream (yay!) instead of court-mandated counseling sessions (cry!). Additionally, the only way to know the Tim McGraw doll isn’t just a recycled Shaving Fun Ken is to buy the set, remove the cowboy hat, and check out the hairline.

They also made a Reba McEntire Barbie, and shame on all the news outlets not reporting this. Why? Because any time you mention Reba McEntire you are legally obligated to present the greatest commercial of all time:

Corn chips and child prostitution: Could this bitch be any more folksy?

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