Fuck cicadas. I can’t figure out if the phenomenally, periodically annoying insects are more disgusting than they are dumb, or dumber than they are disgusting, and obnoxious. Compared to pests like box elders, bees, June bugs, beetles and flies, cicadas — who glide aimlessly into anything and have no sense of personal space, tact, volume or direction — are the gimps of the insect kingdom. It’s pitiful.
What that has to do with pallid English singer-songwriter David Gray is beyond me. Nevertheless, in promoting Gray’s upcoming June 30 appearance at The Grand Ole Opry House, AEG/The Messina Group is distributing a promotional Gray flier you can use to “Print, Reuse, Recycle and Reduce (cicadas),” doubling as “the very first” line of defense in “buzzworthy” cicada prevention — dubbed the “Instant Cicada Swatter.”
A dynamic device, the swatter assists you in hand-to-shell pest control, informs you of THE concert that’ll stoke your inner Ally McBeal and allows you to smear milky bug guts all over the limey trouba-crooner’s illustrated Anglo-face. It’s a win, win, win.
Get your Gray tickets here, and download your swatter in PDF form here. I recommend printing it out on construction paper. It’s more effective that way — like the difference between a hollow-point bullet and blow-dart. And make sure to use it on John Cicada if you see him bumbling your way.