Thursday, May 5, 2011

Hand-y Keith Urban Fan Art Stolen From Wisconsin Salon

Posted By on Thu, May 5, 2011 at 5:51 PM

Editor's note: What the fuck?

If there’s one thing we know is important to country superstar Keith Urban, it’s haircare. And if there’s one thing we now know is important to Eau Claire, Wis., haircare specialist and business owner Denise Mackey-Natz, it’s a large fiberglass sculpture of a hand-shaped chair — one of more than 60 in the city — bearing Urban’s likeness. Until last week, said hand-chair stood outside her downtown salon named … wait for it … Urban Style.

What's unknown, however, is who — in a heist stealthily executed over the weekend — stole the sculpture from the cement slab it was bolted to for the last three years, why they stole it, what the fuck they were thinking, how much they had to drink, and where the hell the piece of pop-country pop-art is now.

"It was instant. I looked and the hand was gone — just an empty piece of cement. I literally just got sick to my stomach," Mackey-Natz told the Eau Claire’s ABC News affiliate, WQOW.

My guess as to the hand’s whereabouts: Since spring semesters are coming to a close on college campuses around the nation, I’m betting the, uh, Urban art piece (see photo) is in a frat house somewhere on or adjacent to the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire campus, where it’s holding the world’s biggest joint while piled high with dirty laundry and lotion, love-juice and candle-wax-stained Bob Marley T-shirts that will never get clean.

There it will stay until the pop-collared bunch finish finals and reveal it as a countrified kicker par excellence to the greatest senior prank since Bluto yelled, “Food fight!” Or, maybe it was the work of Seal Team Six, and motives — like turning it into bin Laden’s tomb — are a matter of national security.

We many never know.

In the meantime, Urban, the singer, is offering a quartet of tickets and VIP passes to any show on his current Get Closer World Tour, bolstering the $200 bounty offered by Urban, the salon, to anyone with information resulting in the safe return of the handy fan-art.

Long story short, just think Country Strong meets The Salon meets The Thomas Crown Affair meets Animal House meets The Dirty Dozen meets National Treasure meets a Cheesehead hat, but real.

On a serious note, the downtown Eau Claire hand sculptures are auctioned to owners like Mackey-Natz — who reportedly donated $2,500 for the one in question — to benefit the Children’s Museum of Eau Claire. So, thieves, pranksters, whatever, don’t be dicks. Hand it back.

No, this is not an Onion article.

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