Wednesday, October 27, 2010

John Rich: Big Enough Celebrity to Wash Up on Trump's Apprentice [Oh the Humility]

Posted By on Wed, Oct 27, 2010 at 4:31 PM

WUT?! .... OHHH KAYYYYY!!!
  • WUT?! .... OHHH KAYYYYY!!!

The image above is perhaps a perfect visual analogy to depict the left, middle and center factions of modern America’s political landscape. While, in this day and age, little is shocking in the way of our country’s cultural or political stagnation, there is something rather amazing to behold going on in this here picture. Is it the celebrity on the left’s poofy pantaloons? Is it the celebrity in the middle’s surprising smallness? Is it that the celebrity on the right’s hands are dangerously uncuffed? Or is it just a relief that the picture was taken in New York City and not Music City?

If you’re wondering how the hell John Rich managed to get himself within arms length of Academy Award-nominated actor Gary Busey and comedian Dave Chappelle without getting punched, the answer is not “for charity.” While the photo WAS taken at a philanthropically motivated pizza sale, these three antipodal wash-ups have coalesced in the biggest of apples to serve at the pleasure of Donald Trump on his Celebrity Apprentice, currently in production.

Now, The Donald may be the tyrannical, fire-breathing boss of America’s board room — network television — but upon hearing this news item, peeps in these parts will have little doubt that he’s at least a friend of Nashville. A friend is what we here in the ‘Ville call anyone who extracts noted asshole John Rich from our midst for any indefinite period of time. While the be-comb-overed one recently failed in his attempts to pacify the whole Ground Zero Mosque to-do, his successful acquisition of Rich into his fold of Apprentice underlings has proved him effective in easing — albeit temporarily — tensions regarding Nashville’s Ground Zero of douche-dom, Mt. Richmore.

As you know, the once bigger and more commercially relevant Rich turned Music City’s favorite scenic vista and necking destination, Love Circle, into Douche Circle when he — in perfect “The Donald” fashion — stole the view from the plebes by buying the property and proceeding to erect an unsightly hilltop monument to mini-bars, mud-wrestling sluts, salsa gardens, see-through swimming pools and any other affront to tact that falls under the umbrella of his own general dickishness. He's got the domestic eyesore to show it. I guess his growing regularity on celeb-reality television — he hosted the first season of CMT's Gone Country a few years back — indicates that he plans to professionally rely on his douchebaggery to maintain Mt. Richmore's expenses, and that's why I love him — because loving to hate John Rich for his antics is so much more fun than simply hating on, say, Trace Adkins because "Honky Tonk Badonka Donk" is quite possibly the worst song I've ever heard, and every time I hear it I hate the experience of being alive in that moment.

John Rich is basically the Kenny Powers of M.O.R. country. And like Kenny Powers, his now bona fide relegation to the celebrity F-list is an inevitable and wildly amusing consequence of his character. It's an adventure ... and you get to ride shotgun, at least while the season airs. You don’t believe me? Well what if I told you that, in addition to Lil’ Jon and Gary Busey, Rich will also co-star alongside former home run hitter Jose Canseco, who can show him the joys of injecting controlled substances into his ass-cheeks if he wants — and I'd like to think he does. You know, now might be a good time to mention who some of Rich’s other Apprentice co-stars/competitors are. Since it would be a waste of your time to list them all — and because, proudly, I don’t know who half of them are — I’ll just rattle off the notables. They include a chorus of singers featuring former feather-haired pin-up David Cassidy, psychic friend Dionne Warwick, Sugar Ray microphonist Mark McGrath, Michael Jackson look-a-like Latoya Jackson and inappropriately more credible elder-statesmen Meatloaf. Also in the mix are Star Jones and survivor of both Survivor and federal prison, Richard Hatch. The list goes on ... but at this point, can anyone deny that John Rich is a has-been? Take it in stride, marshall.

While, by no means, am I eagerly awaiting John Rich’s return to Tennessee upon his release from the clutches of the Yankee Trump, I am impatiently looking forward to the viral existence of a video featuring The Donald dismissing our favorite fool on the hill with a “You’re FIRED!” for the ages. Think about it. You’ll be able to manipulate it with Auto-Tune, ironically set it against the sounds of “Shuttin’ Detroit Down" or — although I wouldn't recommend it — blast its audio from loud speakers outside Mt. Richmore’s gates and send him scurrying for the panic room. Whatever. The possibilities are as endless as the embarrassment of riches of embarrassing Rich moments sure to transpire over the course of the country singer’s television apprenticeship. It'll be the best thing to hit YouTube since this.

I appreciate the folks behind The Apprentice tapping our local talent, the only thing I ask is that, out of decency and sensitivity, the show’s producers keep Rich from going closer than five blocks to Ground Zero.

Stay tuned ...

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