Worry not, that headline doesn't apply to our Five Points.
From the Department of "Real News Item or Onion Headline?": Aside from being the only state to have ever thrown me in jail, South Carolina doesn’t have a whole lot to be proud of. There was that Confederate flag that flew from the statehouse all the way into Y2K. Then there was that Dixiecrat segregationist who held office as a U.S. senator until 2003. And last year there was that sitting congressional representative who interrupted a presidential address by shouting, “You lie!” at Barack Obama, and that Governor who disappeared to Argentina for an extended passionate liaison with his mistress. Naturally, a state with such a rich recent history of forehead-slap moments is going to want to cling to whatever major cultural contributions they have made to the world at large. Perhaps that explains the rationale behind the 20-foot-long, 10-foot-wide and 12-14-foot-tall monument to Hootie and the Blowfish Columbia, S.C.’s Five Points Association is planning on erecting in the city’s shopping and nightlife district to honor of their favorite native sons.
Assuming not everyone — especially teenagers — share in the profound proprietary appreciation the Five Points Association has for the ‘90s-hit-makers-gone-pop-culture-punchline, I’m anticipating some uproarious acts of youthful vandalism to fall upon the shining musical monument. If we’re lucky, a Columbia resident will start a microblog cataloging all the eggs, toilet paper, shaving cream and spray paint fated to adorn a gilded Darius Rucker.
The monument is slated for unveiling on Oct. 21 at an event that will include a naming ceremony for the new Hootie Boulevard and a concert featuring “Hootie contemporaries” the likes of Cravin’ Melon, The Blue Dogs, Patrick Davis, Tootie and The Jones, Treadmill Trackstar, The Soul Mites and Danielle Howle performing short sets of Hootie covers.
While it indeed sounds like a real fuckin’ hoot, this is not a joke. Way to go, South Carolina. When can we expect construction on the Rob Thomas statue to get underway?