Before 2009 American Idol victor Adam Lambert shocked and awed Bush Country with his homoerotic kerfuffle at last year’s American Music Awards, he inspired a collective dry-heave among country music fans when he corpse-raped Johnny Cash with a tactless bastardization of “Ring of Fire” on Idol’s “Opry Night” episode. His “update” of the Cash classic sounded like Jeff Buckley drowning in a sea of nine inch nails while the Man in Black spun like a top six feet under, prompting recently departed and ever-unforgiving Idol judge Simon Cowell to speculate that viewers in Nashville were chucking their TVs out their windows after being subjected to such a dreadful musical monstrosity.
Alright. So if you clicked the link to the pick, you might have noticed that, as of this moment, 128 comments have been left in response. How exactly does something as seemingly innocuous as a 181-word rant about Adam Lambert get over 100 comments? I’ll tell you how. Lambert was featured on 107.5 The River yesterday, and he and InternAdam spoke a bit about, among other … things, Gold’s blurb. If you click here, you should be able to hear the interview in its entirety … karaoke, talk of Elvis wearing guyliner, talk of True Blood and all. Honestly, Lambert really was a pretty great sport about the Critic’s Pick. InternAdam, on the other hand, called Gold a "jackass." Not that that isn’t awesome. Anyhow, follow me after the jump to see some of the best comments from riled-up Glamberts (Lambert fans), as well as the complaint-response template I’ve composed due to exhaustion at repeating myself.
Next time Gold insults a band or performer you really like, please print off the following response letter, and insert the given artist's name where applicable:
Dear fans of ________:
So you’ve discovered, most likely via a fan page or message board, that Adam Gold wrote an exceptionally critical blurb about your favorite artist, ________. We understand that you don’t agree, and we appreciate your responses — many of them double-posted for emphasis — in the comments section. While we don’t have time to engage each commenter on a one-on-one basis, here are our stock responses to the comments that seem to crop up again and again:
1) “Critic’s Pick” indicates that this blurb is, in fact, a piece of critical analysis. In arguing that the blurb was not “objective,” you are unfortunately making your argument moot. An “objective” piece about an artist would likely consist of nothing more than biographical information, a discography and ticket pricing information. In a pinch, you can typically visit the website of the respective venue to obtain this information.
2) Your allegation that Adam Gold is jealous of ______ and wrote the blurb out of spite is sadly sweet, but also unfortunately untrue. Gold reminds us, again and again, that his favorite artists — U2 and Bruce Springsteen — are among the most successful and commercially viable contemporary musicians in the world. Because he has never written or said anything remotely disparaging about either of the aforementioned artists, you can thusly infer that Gold does not lash out in blind rage, seething over his inability to be in one of the biggest bands in the world. He merely expresses befuddlement and occasional agitation that artists like ________ are able to perform in — and often sell out — the same venues as his heroes.
3) In response to your allegation that we are a collection of uncultured rednecks: We all went to college, and very few of us are actually from here. We also have all of our teeth.
4) The whole "You have a small penis" argument just demonstrates poor deductive reasoning skills. You've now forced us all to read the phrase "Adam Gold's penis." Please stop. Moving on.
5) _________ likely appreciates your loyalty as fans, but (s)he probably isn’t especially bothered by Adam Gold’s 150-word preview. Regardless of what we feature in the Critics’ Picks section, ________ will most likely make an obscene amount of money on his/her current tour. Don’t lose any sleep over it. You seem like a good kid.
In conclusion, thank you very much for reading our publication. Perhaps in the future you’ll note that the vast majority of our coverage is positive, and focuses on artists who don’t make the same sort of money as _________. You clearly like live music of some sort, so we encourage you to continue to support local venues by attending concerts multiple times a year. Perhaps even attend a show featuring only local artists? Just a suggestion. Thanks for your time.
Below are some of the most noteworthy Glambert comments, selected by Gold himself.
[Adam’s] message is of tolerance and acceptance of all kinds of diversity, something sorely needed today, including by the author of this article.
Wish he would show up painted green to scare the sh——t out of Mr. Gold. And Cash, a rebel, not a priss like the reviewer, would have loved Lambert's ROF. It's a blast. Go to the show with an open mind and a sense of fun - you'll have a smashing good time. Gold needs to lighten up - what a poop.
Didn't think ADAM would get a fair review in Nashville. Can't figure out WTH he even bothered to include that REDNECK city on his tour. Johnny Cash was as diverse as anyone & would have LOVED ADAM's version of ROF! It's the lousy author of this article that doesn't GET IT!! ELVIS was shunned by the Grand Ole Opry if I remember correctly. They told ELVIS to "stick to truck driving"!! ..LOL A LOYAL GLAMBERT & PROUD OF IT
I'm assuming that you are not an actual music critic because if you are the joke is on whoever employs you to write this uninformed, poorly researched, hate filled sewage. Pull that stick out of your ass, maybe that will improve your hearing and musical taste. Otherwise, stay home and leave the fun to the real music lovers who think Jeff Buckley singing NiN a la Johnny Cash sounds like a pretty fucking amazing night. I can't wait for the show. I bet Mr. Cash would join me.
After seeing a vomit inducing photo of the author of this article, Im not surprised he hating on Lambert. It's called penis envy ladies and gentleman, and Mr. Gold has a severe case of it. …