There, y’all just got bitch-slapped by Steve Jobs. Does it sting now?
Without explanation, an announcement was made on Lala this morning, and users woke up to a homepage declaring simply:
Lala is shutting down. The Lala service will be down on May 31st, 2010. Unfortunately, we are no longer accepting new users. Members, you can still use Lala through May 31st, 2010.
That's all the announcement announced. Had it continued, I imagine it would've gone something like this:
Members, you can still use Lala through May 31st, 2010. You can also go fuck yourselves by any means of your choosing. That is, until we step and say otherwise. Because, we own you. WE. FUCKING. OWN. YOU. And from here on out, you can only fuck yourselves on OUR watch. There's an App for that.
Naturally, the ominous ambiguity of today’s announcement, coupled with Apple’s tight-lippedness in regards to why they purchased the site in the first place, has led web wonks to prognosticate that Apple’s intentions are to introduce a web-based version of iTunes, based on Lala’s platform, and soon. Either that, or they’re simply buying up the competition for the sole purpose of stifling it with a ball gag, binding it and locking it in a chest between bouts of abject Abu Ghraib-style humiliation rituals.
In an article posted today on TechCrunch, writer Robin Wauters speculates that Apple "will be making an announcement at its Worldwide Developers Conference, which will be held June 7 in San Francisco.”
Lending credence to such widespread speculation is an email I — being a member — received from Lala at around noon saying:
In appreciation of your support over the last five years, you will receive a credit in the amount of your Lala web song purchases for use on Apple's iTunes Store. If you purchased and downloaded mp3 songs from Lala, those songs will continue to play as part of your local music library.
Remaining wallet balances and unredeemed gift cards will be converted to iTunes Store credit (or can be refunded upon request). Gift cards can be redeemed on Lala until May 31st.
So, all you Lala users, welcome to iTunes. Really though, if you ask me, web-based iTunes is long overdue, and so long as they keep the whole free one-time streaming thing going, I couldn't care less who's running the show. iTunes, Lala ... Lars Ulrich, doesn’t matter. Just don’t take away free music that I can enjoy on demand. It makes me wanna buy shit, really, it does. I’m more paranoid about losing easy streaming than an Arizona teabagger is of losing his job to a
undocumented non-white worker. In fact, who wants to join me in undertaking a minutemen style mission and trek on out to Cupertino, Calif., to read Steve Jobs the riot act?
Seriously, I think there’s an App for that.