Thursday, January 14, 2010

Neil Hamburger to Play The End, Feb. 1

Posted By on Thu, Jan 14, 2010 at 3:15 PM

Every faction needs a Dean Martin. The hipster set has Neil Hamburger. A master of the anti-joke, Hamburger -- with a cheap tux, head full of pomade and glass of brandy in hand -- doles out zingers haranguing everyone from Osama Bin Laden to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. His timing is terrible, his delivery strident and his material tired. But, unlike Jeff Foxworthy and his ilk, in Hamburger's case that's exactly the point. This one-of-a-kind persona returns to The End on Mon. Feb. 1. Take a look after the jump for some of his popular favorites.

Why didn't Santa Claus give anything for Christmas to Osama Bin Laden last year?

Because he blew up the World Trade Center. No Sony Playstation 2 for you, Osama.

Why did God give Smashmouth three Top 10 singles? Well, it was a clerical error -- he meant to give them all AIDS.

What do you get when you shove a penny in the asshole of each of the members of Smashmouth? Nickleback.

Why did God send Terri Schiavo to hell? For the sin of sloth.

Why did Julia Roberts rub shit on her vagina? Because she was horny. Hey, don't blame me. I stole that joke from Kris Kristofferson.

What's the difference between the Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Harriet Tubman? Well of course the great Harriet Tubman was a heroine to the slaves, the Red Hot Chilli Peppers are slaves to the heroin.

Why did God create herpes? So Robin Williams could give something to his female fans that they couldn't just turn around and sell on eBay.

Why did God create Domino's Pizza? To punish humanity for their complacency at letting the Holocaust happen.

Did you guys hear the one about the paparazzi with the heart of gold? He stole it from Princess Diana as she lay dying in her car.

What do you get when you cross the latest album by Courtney Love with a boomerang? A shitty album you can't get rid of.

Why did Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper all retire from the music industry in 1959? Well, because their vocal cords were all damaged in an accident.

What was the name of the historical event at which hundreds of thousands of children were brutalized by a fascist dictatorship and then left out in the sun to die? The Vans Warped Tour.

Why did Metallica cut their hair? Their hairdresser said it was the only way to get all that matted cum out of it.

Why does Eric Clapton close his eyes during all of his guitar solos? Well, because his audience is so ugly. That was in the news.

Hey what do you call it folks, friends, what do you call it when decrepit old dogs regurgitate garbage just before dying -- what's the medical term for that? The Rolling Stones in concert.

What does British filmmaker Guy Richie have in common with Cheetos? They both come in a plastic bag.

Why did two teenage boys crawl down into the bottom of a portable chemical toilet, down into the holding tank, and wait there for 15 hours? Well, because they wanted to meet Aerosmith.

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