Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Gross City: A Treasury of Kings of Leon Slash Fiction

Posted By on Tue, Oct 20, 2009 at 12:14 PM

click to enlarge Teh cheezburgers said it, not me...
  • Teh cheezburgers said it, not me...
Are you guys aware of the phenomenon known as slash fiction, where lonely Internetters write explicit stories about famous and/or fictional people in same-sex relationships? It's a thing that happens, and I'm not here to cast judgment on the practice in general--but there just happens to be a bunch of KOL-themed slash. Since we've had so many KOL fans visiting the Cream in recent days I figured it might be a good time to show you what else they're up to when they're not defending their favorite band from the evil, evil music critics. Now everybody has fantasies, and that's OK--hell, it's the 21st century and I think we can all acknowledge that it takes different strokes for different folks--and by strokes I mean...well, anyway. We're all allowed to let our imaginations run wild and there's nothing wrong with that--buy me a couple of drinks and I'll tell you about my dream with Julianna Margulies, a Crock-Pot and some collard greens--but not all of us post our naughty thoughts on the Interwebs. That's when it gets creepy in a The-King-of-Comedy-meets-Behind-the-Green-Door kind of way. I can sort of understand the appeal of Captain Kirk on the receiving end of Mr. Spock's reach-around--it's a topic that needs to be addressed--but now every time I see Kings of Leon at a bar I'm going to assume that Joe Jonas is pulling his pud behind the booth. Not cool, Internet, not cool. After the jump, some selected highlights from the KOL slash forum on LiveJournal (people still use that?) so you know what commenters are seeing when they say "They are greater than you can realize, and i feel sorry for u that u cant realize what WE the fans see." Text is sorta NSFW, especially if you work in a place where they care about grammar. I left out the authors' names to protect the incestuous innocent but if you follow the link above you can find 'em and be their friend, if you're into that sort of thing. Also, I've left the spelling and grammar intact, because, shit, it's hella funny. Oh, and I added brief summaries, in case you were wondering about the rest of the story.... Now let us voyage into the bizarre... Title: Just a cigarette gone, no you couldn't be that far* (* Or, "There's a Whole Lotta Fistin' Goin' On.")
The Sex On Fire video shoot is hell, watching him eat and suck on those chicken wings, it's like he knows what it is doing to me. I almost ask the director to swap Nathan and I so I'm the one taking the cold shower. Almost. I did get to slap him so I got some sort of pay back.
Matthew fists the front of his shirt and Jared closes his eyes waiting for Matt's fist to connect. Instead he is being dragged closer, Matthew's lips crashing into his own. Jared gasps in surprise giving Matthew the opportunity to shove his tongue into his mouth. Jared grips the other man's shoulders digging in, pulling Matt flush against his body. Matthew may look soft and cute but he kisses hot and fierce and it's teeth and tongue and wet and perfect. Matthew slides his hands to Jared's waist, hands resting on his hips. Jared fists his hands in Matthew's hair messing it up. Their tongues battle, pushing, pulling, tasting, bodies flush against the other hip to hip. Matthew bites on Jared's lip eliciting a groan from the younger boy. Matthew tenses up and pulls away, breaking the moment. He turns away from Jared.
Title:Stumbling Through Our Sad Parade* (* Or, KOL's lady-friends go lesbo IN THE FUTURE!!! Well, next month anyway....)
It feels like it's what she's supposed to do, like it's already written out as the next step in her life's script somewhere and the only thing she can do is prolong the awful, awkward awareness of that. Kissing Jessie has got to be better than waiting for that kiss to happen. And it is--at first--it feels nice, again, to have the comfort of someone like this when she's just had insults thrown at her all evening, to have arms around her back and soft lips against hers and a warm tongue inside her mouth. And then they lie down, and Lily's on top of Jessie, and she doesn't think it's okay how much she suddenly feels like she needs this, needs to do this and see if it's different from Caleb, if it's better than Caleb. If it's possible for someone to be better than Caleb, she needs to know that. She's lost sight, over the past couple of years, of how things should be, of how she should be treated, her love for him warping her sense more often than it makes her feel secure.
Caleb proposes after the ceremony, drops to one knee when everybody's dancing. Lily does her best to act surprised, as does Jessie. (And as does Nathan, because he didn't need to go rooting through his brother's pockets to suspect this might happen.) Everybody cheers, claps, toasts. Caleb slides the ring onto Lily's pale, slender finger with trembling hands, and later, Lily meets Jessie in the bathroom, shoves her into a stall and kisses her hard, oddly desperate, like she's trying to find something. She hitches up white satin, then slides it back down smooth stockinged legs, realising she doesn't want to shove her hand in Jessie's panties, just her tongue in her mouth. Jessie eases her against the opposite wall, calms her. "It's okay," she murmurs. "This is what you want."
Title: Is this the love that I've been searching for* (* Wherein our heroes find true happiness, oh so close to them....)
Exactly eight months, fourteen days and eighteen hours later, Jared realises he is in love with Caleb. He wakes up from a particularly bad dream, creeps into Caleb's adjoining room and slips into his bed. Caleb's arm automatically wraps around Jared's waist and he is almost asleep until he is jolted awake by a revelation. A realisation of why he feels so safe and happy in Caleb's arms. He couldn't do this with Nathan and not even really with Matthew, though they are best friends. He's always felt protected, happy and wanted when Caleb is around, always going to him for comfort and attention. He enjoys the physical closeness they share and always wanting to be the person Caleb confides in. He watches Caleb, thinking about how great he looks and always worried if he's looking too thin but always so pretty. He wants to be around him all the time, his heart races and his stomach flutters when they are just in the same room. Jared wants him.
Title: The Shape Your Faces Make* (* Wherein the JoBros meet KOL and learn a little life lesson about incest.)
And then--shit, shit, shit, Nathan's turning Caleb round, shoving him hard against the wall with a sickening noise that makes Joe wince, and he sees Caleb's hand flying to his nose and another fresh dribble of blood, and Nathan's just fumbling with his pants and only glancing up for enough time to see that Caleb's not actually dying or anything. Joe wonders how they can be so careless with each other, flinging each other around like that without a second thought. Caleb just wipes his face with the back of his hand, smearing red across the skin, and then shoves himself back against Nathan, shucking his own tight pants down mid-thigh and then Nathan's pressing in so close that Joe can hardly see anything at all.
And Nick rocks forward on his knees suddenly, clutching Joe's shoulders tightly in clenched hands and pulling him forwards. Joe only gives himself a second to register the feeling of Nick's lips pressed hard to his before he's drawing back, one hand out against Nick's flat, hot stomach and pushing him away. All he can see is bloody bitten lips and those hurting, broken brothers trying to find things in the wrong places. His hand goes to his mouth almost instinctively like he's trying to physically prevent this from happening, close himself off, place a padlock over it, but it's like Nick's lips have left an imprint and the warmth of them spreads something through him. Right away he wants it back, wants it tangled up in him, knitting things back together.
Title: And Your Soul Smells Of Sulphur* (*Or, "The Gang Stages an Exorcism.")
Caleb can feel the sin that pervades the walls of their crappy rundown shelter. The thing inside him feeds off it, growing stronger with every passing moment. It gives him clarity. He finds a new perspective through the murky depths of what feels like a fever. It shows him Jared, frustrated, tearing at the pages of the Good Book. He sees Nathan, water dripping over his naked body from their makeshift shower. He sees Matthew gorging himself on fried chicken. He sees wrath, lust and gluttony all through the eyes of the creature inside him. It is glorious.
Title: I like you so much better when you're naked* (*Or, as I like to call it, the War & Peace of KOL slash fiction.)
Jared and Matt have sex a couple of times in the bunks but they don't do it often enough for Caleb to complain about it. They are actually quite considerate. Until recently, Caleb didn't think twice about their sex life. Then, a month ago, he walks into the dressing room to find Matthew on his knees sucking Jared off. Caleb is frozen in shock, gaping at his brother who writhes in pleasure, moaning softly. He's leaning against the wall, hands splayed flat, trying to keep himself upright while Matthew sucks on the head of his dick and presses gentle licks to the slit. Jared bucks his hips, wanting more but Matthew has his hips pinned, keeping him still. Jared pulls on Matt's soft locks, making him groan. Caleb stands there, watching for what feels like hours but is in fact just a few minutes. The boys don't notice him so he slips out, leaning against the door, his throat dry and his dick hard. He gets back to the bus, taking a shower and quickly jerking himself off. He cannot shake the image of Matthew's slick, soft mouth on Jared's dick or the soft mewls his brother was making out of his head. He feels like a pervert. Caleb can't look Matt or Jared in the eye for the next couple of days. Matthew looks even more obscene sucking on a cigarette and Jared's jeans seem tighter than ever, making Caleb think awful things that make him hard in a second. He hasn't jerked off so much since he was fifteen.
Try and get that image out of your mind next time you hear "Sex On Fire." I dare you.

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