Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Next Big Nashville / Whatevs The Final Jazzola: Parting Words and an Informal Invite
Posted by D. Patrick Rodgers on Wed, Oct 14, 2009 at 2:57 PM
All right, Col. Jazzola. So you survived NBN with your anonymity intact. We have our inklings about who you might be--oh believe me, we have our inklings--but for now, your true identity remains sealed. What I want to know is this: If we provide you a year-round forum in which to publish your uproarious batshit screeds, are you going to crack under the pressure? Are you going to get unfunny, or worse, stop bein' real about the scene? Little did we know at the start of this year's Next Big Nashville that the virginity of our collective jazzola was about to be robbed so unceremoniously. But now that we've been banged there so thoroughly by the "dick of fun," we must have it on the reg. Give it to us on the reg.
Read Jazzola's parting words regarding Next Big Nashville after the jump.
Yeaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahah!YEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH
YIYIYIYIIEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
I saw some rockin', and I saw some rollin',
and I definitely DID see some people out there having GOOD TIME last nite! Woot woot!
In a truly spontaneous event, thousands of local rockers flooded Ellison Place at 2am, chanting, singing, and generally getting banged in the jazzola by the dick of fun. A bullhorn-clad Beatle Bob stood atop Jason Moon Wilkins' black Escalade to lead the mass in an emotionally-charged rendition of Edwin McCain's "These Are The Moments." Ethan Opelt kissed a baby. The bartenders at Gold Rush started GIVING AWAY cocaine. The guy who wrote "Private Eyes" got naked. Fearing a DUI, a blitzed Mike Grimes crowd-surfed his way home.
Witnessing this, I said to myself, "Thank you, americansongspace.com!"
It's been fun, folks, but that's all for this year.
Coming in January: Next Old Nashville, presented by 3rd and Lindsley, Norm's River Roadhouse, Brown's Diner, and Lightning 100.
Regards,
Col. Jazzola
Comments (24)
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wristbands for Next Old Nashville are already on sale at Great Escape and Phonoluxe.
I overheard two 50+ year rockers last night mourning the death of Tower Records, "the greatest place to buy vinyl".
that pic looks like the singer from the Counting Crowes, Jack White and John Burr made a semen cocktail, and used it to incubate a baby inside that lady from the old Snapple commercials.
Maybe if we clap really loud and say I believe in Jazzola, he may come back to life. OR, I could be left with this shitty pic of Adam Duritz to remind me of The Col. till next year.
Dean, don't make me go to that site and create a shitty artist's rendition of you. I swear I'll do it.
Hey! I am not the shitty artist here, dude... go to: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=irule and it may make you feel better about your artistry.
Just find Jazzola, Dammit! He has a proverbial shit ton of high fives waiting.
If I'd only known an anonymous forum could be so effective. After all, I pretty much hate everything. Just like my hero, Mr. Agreeable from the old UK rag Melody Maker...
Best line ever: "Fearing a DUI, a blitzed Mike Grimes crowd-surfed his way home."
Yeeeeaaahhh!
YEYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!
This shit has gone VIRAL!
Thanks to the solid dudes and dudettes at NBN09, yours truly has been asked to cover the Emergenza finals! Whoo! See ya on myspace, kiddies!
While it's been a pleasure hobnobbing with the elite down at Next Big Nashville headquarters in Brentwood, I've officially turned in my badge and am no longer authorized to write these gonzo missives on their behalf. Something about "cost cutting" or "overhead" or "the whole festival being a ruse to cloak a secretive, creepy Christian cult like everything else in Nashville," I think.
For those who really wish to know who I am: I will reveal my true identity when the following demands are met:
1. The Nashville Scene purchases the domain "bangedinthejazzola.info" and redirects it to the the Cream blog.
2. Lightning 100 refrains from playing The Red Hot Chili Peppers for one week.
3. Mike Grimes grows a goatee OR lets Col. Jazzola book a night at The Basement. (Consult with The Wife on this one, please.)
Regards,
Col. Jazzola, Ret.
couldn't one just trace the ip address of said person and slip the tele com which owns the ip address 4 bucks or something to give away the identity of said person? doesn't every swanky marketing firm buy our innernets history anyway? (double high five on the robert bork reference-absurdly nonsensical obscurity,brilliant col.-its almost like you had some kind of hipster edition magic eight ball plugged into a mad lib generator.... )
I feel pretty confident that Col. Jazzola is, in fact, Brandon Jazz, and I don't think you should continue to encourage him. On the other hand, if keeping him tied up on the computer will eat into his songwriting time, maybe the benefits outweigh the costs.
this shit is so dumb. the first post was kinda funny, but give it a fucking rest already. i wish the cream had better things to blog about. nice going d. patrick.
I agree, fischer...i don't even think the 1st post was that funny, but then again, since the Cream didn't/doesn't know the true identity of the person, they better keep kissing his/her a$$. Then, when it turns out the person is someone with influence in this town, they haven't stepped all over their d*cks. And if it's someone whose existence is inconsequential to their writing/music careers, they can just phase out the blog coverage. You guys know I'm right....
And it probably is Brandon Jazz, who regularly doth protest too much. Get a clue, Brandon. You seem too desperate to be accepted and liked by a bunch M'boro chumps who think they know about music, but really only know how to pat each other on the back. There are other music scenes in this town that thrive without the help of the Scene. You'll learn.
I don't get what all the grumbling is about. Those emails were just parodies, and good writing is good writing--I don't care if it was written by the contributors of NashvilleRock.net. It's still a hilarious take on festivals in general, with a light roasting of Nashville's notables. That the writer/writers knows/know his/her subjects so well only makes it that much more enjoyable.
The good Col. of said Jazzola followed me on twitter then promptly deleted his/her twitter account. I don't really get the jokes--too new to the scene; but I couldn't help but feel a tad saddened when he/she was no longer following me. I thought it might have been something I said.
sad panda
Ummm..... wrong again McFly. Here he is:
The Real Col. Jazzola
Yeaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahah! YEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH YIYIYIYIIEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! This shit is VIRAL!!!
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