Monday, September 28, 2009

Hey, You Cellist With Long Brown Hair/Redhead With Glasses at the Protomen Show (Missed Connections, Nerd-Love Edition)

Posted By on Mon, Sep 28, 2009 at 5:41 PM

click to enlarge NerdLove.jpg

Lately I haven't found many missed connections that really rocked my world, but I've been holding out that some little gem would come along and tempt me back into the blogosphere with another edition. Well, thanks to the Protomen show, and the phenomenon we call Nerd Love, I found two whole instances of anonymous love from afar that will not quit. In one night!

First off, some background: What we know about Nerds from our time in high school and watching TV is that their intelligence is always beautifully marred by their awkwardness. (We can't have too many people winning the intellectual and genetic lottery.) Their love, though earnest and true, retains a kind of purity generally not experienced by most people after the age of 14. They love most often from afar, and it's, like, loyal and shit. It's not just that it's unrequited; it's that it's really strange and oddly fantastical and overreaching, just like their dreams and feelings and interest in sci-fi and stuff. And they're stoopid guilty of this thing psychologists call the "Halo Effect," and I ain't talking about the video game, y'all. It's where you see someone who's hot, but even without knowing anything about them, you project onto them these really positive characteristics, like that they're really funny and smart and good-natured and deep and interesting. It's kind of amazing. I mean, everyone does it to a point, but Nerds do it one better. And sadly, they believe it. The first Nerd Love Incident from The Epic Proto show is pretty run-of-the-mill:

You were at the bar in a dress with red hair and glasses. The most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

Actually, maybe it was penned by some rando non-Nerd who doesn't know how to thoughtfully yet creepily ponder, because it has all of the follow-through of my first sexual experience.

However, Nerd Lover Part Deux is the real piece of work. He pines and calculates and imagines and dreams so creepily about one of the brunette cello players from the show to an extent that any of his genuine earnestness is far outweighed by his almost scientific calculation of his every single waking thought about it. I'm surprised he didn't include a blueprint of the place and a graph charting his interest in you as the night went on.

It's thoughtful yet obsessive, carefully designed to continually remind the object of his Nerd Affection that he's not that weird creepy guy, only dooming himself to creepy Nerddom. Seriously, he just thinks you're interesting. Sigh.

I caught sight of you when the string section started playing (which sounded great, by the way). I was only around 15 feet from that area for most of the show. Something about you sort of enchanted me-and in a rather innocent way. I didn't stare, but as majority of the show was obscured by tall individuals standing between me and the stage, I couldn't help glancing your way from time to time. You have gorgeous eyes-I couldn't even tell exactly what color they were in the light of the place, but they drew my attention. And you looked to me like an interesting individual-I'm usually fairly good at reading people in that way, but I can't be sure, I don't know-you just seemed like a cool person. I mean, you play an instrument and were fighting the fight with the Protomen-so you can't be all bad, anyway (I love to sing, myself-and play a little bit of guitar and bass). You apparently noticed me at the end when I saw you raise your fist and I raised mine in response, and you blew me a kiss. I didn't see you at all after you left the stage as I had to leave with my friend, and would have been far too shy to say anything if I did, but I'm curious about you. I don't expect anything to come of this, and I feel awkward posting it, but I have no idea if I'll ever have a chance to speak to you and I feel I'd like to-so I'm taking a chance by posting this, and hoping that neither you or any of your friends that might end up reading this will think I'm creepy. I've been told I'm a fairly intimidating guy if people don't know me, so I make an effort to try to be as un-creepy as possible. I'd have preferred to stumble upon a myspace or facebook on the Protomen page and be like "Hey, I remember that girl!" and send you a friend request explaining in brief what I have said here, but I had no such luck-and I have no idea what your name is.

Which is what I'd like to find out, or perhaps just talk to you and see if my assumptions hold truth. I'm not trying to 'hook up' or anything like that-I've never been one to have flings or 'casual encounters'-that's just not me, nor do I have any reason to believe you'd be interested in me in any way or that you're even single. I just think you'd be interesting to talk to. If you'd rather find out about me before telling me your name or anything like that, ask away or pretend you never saw this. I understand this is unusual. I actually find it unlikely that you'll check this website-particularly this section-but I'm hoping maybe you will, or someone you know will and will bring it your attention or something.

And lastly, you guys were all fantastic from what I could hear-I was sad there weren't more strings to it, awesome though the string-less Protomen are.

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