Friday, August 28, 2009

Golden Nugget: Gene Simmons Takes Nashville

Posted By on Fri, Aug 28, 2009 at 3:58 PM

Remember when Gene Simmons was in town, like, six months ago? He was pallin' around with manager Doc McGee and giving lectures at The Basement and shit. Well during his trip, an episode of his Osbournes rip-off show Gene Simmons' Family Jewels was filmed. The episode--titled "Rootin' Tootin' Gene"--centers around Dr. Love giving advice to an "up-and-coming but bickering" country band. Unfortunately, YouTube user interizeify was only courteous enough to post the second part of the episode--you have to go to some other site to see the rest of it, but this should be enough to get what's going on.

Since only this part of the episode is posted, we don't catch the name of the featured country band, but I think we're better off not knowing anyway. With two-tone dye jobs, designer cowboy hats, Affliction shirts, mediocre personalities and low IQs, they're your generic Demonbreun douches. Typical of the archetype, they have stars in their eyes and big dreams in their hearts, yet know nothing about music. A phenomenon that's kinda similar to how most shrinks don't have "people skills." Maybe I'm just tired of bands, singers and/or songwriters trying to convince me that it's worth my time to hear their "music" when they've never heard Pink Moon or London Calling. But I digress.

Basically this episode's function is two-fold: It serves to give this (name unknown) country band some exposure and is also a tourism video for attractions on Lower Broad. A particularly hilarious sequence comes when Simmons accompanies these whippersnappers on a tour of the Ryman. While on the legendary stage of this "hallowed ground" he berates them as being undeserving of standing onstage at the "home of the original Grand Ole Opry." Gene. Dude. There is only one Grand Ole Opry. What you meant to say is "original home of the Grand Old Opry"--which the Ryman is not. FAIL.

An even better sequence is one in which Gene--we've moved on to being on a post-pwnage first-name basis with our protagonist--is shown producing one of the band's recording sessions. To assist him, he brings out "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" singer Trace Adkins. For those of you who don't know, Gene has a massive man crush on Adkins. A word to the wise: Don't ever have Gene Simmons or Trace Adkins give you advice on the act of actually making music. They're marketing people. Moving on, it was easier for me to make it through the entire three hours and 15 minutes of Schindler's List than it was to make it through the 23-second clip they play of the band's song "Dirty Blonde Bombshell."

Love to hate him or hate to love him, that's our Gene. He returns to Nashville on Oct. 28 when KISS play the Sommet Center. All you crazy bitches out there will be thrilled to know that Buckcherry will open the show. Also, I've just been sent the new KISS single. It's called "Delilah." If I were to compare it to something, I'd say it sounds kinda like KISS meets KISS. In fact, despite Paul Stanley's claim that the band's new album Sonic Boom has a "real '70s Kiss sound" this track sounds more like it's from the non-make-up era. Check it out.

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