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• SHSP's Derrick Brown

By now you've all either put together or witnessed first-hand that the secret guest of Monday night's 9 off 8th at Mercy Lounge was notorious tongue-in-cheek body-pop troupe Spring Hill Spider Party. Not Kings of Leon. Not Radiohead. Not Creed. Spring Hill Spider Party. For fans of SHSP and regulars at Mercy, it was basically just a pretty funny little surprise. For others...well, we'll just say not everyone was doubled over with laughter. Spider Party frontman Derrick Brown sent a letter to the Cream with his thoughts on Monday night's happenings, and we decided to share it with you in its entirety. His preface:

I'm sure you heard about this issue at the Mercy Lounge

this week where hundreds of people showed up

due to some heinous tweeting to see Kings of Leon

and it was really the dance magic of the Spring Hill Spider Party.

I feel terrible for Drew who booked us to play

who did nothing wrong, was honest by saying there is no Kings of Leon show... and is now fielding

tons of pissed off emails and such.

Here is my piece of it to settle down some of these wonderfully roused spirits.

Some people say the show made SHSP infamous. I say, no, infinitely famous and troubled by the controversy.

Here's my gynecological rebuttal: From the inside...

Brown's 1,148-word screed follows after the jump. EDITOR'S NOTE: The letter has been posted in its original state. There are no additions or alterations of any sort, and his words reflect only the sentiments of Spring Hill Spider Party. These are not the words of the Cream, and they're certainly not those of the Mercy Lounge.

WISHFUL THINKING, SPRING HILL SPIDER PARTY VS. THE KINGS OF LEON

AT MERCY LOUNGE, Aug 17. WHAAAA HAPPENED?

A debacle unfolds at a local music club as hundreds of sorority girls demand their money back at the free,

no cover "8 off eighth" showcase at mercy lounge in Nashville. A rumor was spread that a ninth band, a mystery band was playing and everyone "knew" it would be Kings of Leon. When the mystery band appears looking non-hetero and fancy dancy, many cry out for the heads of this mystery band who did play their asses off. The audience wanted them dead and also demanded the head of venue management

at the mercy lounge for being misleading.

If you were mislead, you are wrong to aim blame away from yourself. Here's why you're flatfooted, dreaming of Metallica 2 Basement style, forever burned by the lie of "Pavement" reuniting at the 5 spot because you are a well meaning, but insipid dolt of a Top 40 horny Green Hills rocket dog strutting kind of citizen:

Not that we are better, we just aren't as stupider.

Let's begin with a short story:

STORY:

Hey Nashville, it's Christmas time and you want a pony.

Your Dad tells you there is going to be a special surprise this Christmas

and the clue is that you can go fast in this present and it has wheels and power windows.

Of course you are thinking, holy moly, it's a pony. Then you Dad says, it's not a pony, but it was very expensive.

And your friend messages you, "I heard you were getting a pony", so you think, it has to be a pony.

Then Christmas comes and you open the garage door with a big red bow on it and there sits....a red Maserati!

And guess what, you're pissed cause you were hoping for a pony but you were too wishfully idiotic to listen to your Dad. Listen to your Papa! He hits you cause he loves you. So take off your Von Dutch flip flops and your Ed Hardy flat billed baseball cap, yaaa, the one with the sticker still on it and write in to a local Nashville paper that your Dad is a liar but the real truth is that you are mad at yourself for being too Reggae to have listened to his clues. You decide to use thesaurus.com to look up "insipid" and you end up just googling new frisbee disc golf courses.

SUMMARY:

Spring Hill Spider Party is that Maserati. Kings of leon was your fantasy pony that surprisingly could not fly from Vancouver after their show on monday to play a free second show at a local Nashville club.

What sad surprise this life holds.

All I know is Kings of Leon do not care about their fans enough to tell them to not see them play for free. Not in this economy. They don't even care enough about their fans to tell them to not see them when they are not playing. That is tough love and I respect it.

BREAKDOWN:

What happened? On August 17, 2009 The world famous Spring Hill Spider Party dance band from the 14th fastest growing small town in America, Spring Hill, Tennessee wanted to play a small after party show at 8 off eighth at the mercy lounge. The band decided to leak clues via Mercy lounges twitter as they worked on their digital version of a cover called "sex on fire", correctly retitled " Jose Canseco, your ass is on fire."

Clue one to the mystery band: They have a rivalry with kings of leon and Smyrna.

Clue 2: They have a mascot based on a 1990 film starring John Goodman

Clue 3: They are from south of nashville and hate the Kings of Leon, still, after the flowers.

Clue 4: This is the only band to have 8 bassist die on stage during one show at the basement.

Etc. The clues kept coming. They were all ignored.

Then some sim obsessed Croc wearing goober twitters that it has to be Kings of leon and everyone from Melmac (google keyword Alf) to Vanderbilt shows up. It was not us who tweeted this. It was someone in the Tron ether. You don't have to believe me. But as the American poet, Cher once said, "Do you believe in life after love?" The answer is... most Hindu's do.

Drew of the Mercy lounge announces on stage after redeclaring there is no Kings of Leon show that the audience will hear a version of sex on fire (ass is on fire) you've never ever heard before. Cheers begin from the ladies. "It has to be them!" At the last minute, Drew says jokingly that it's Radiohead playing and a few hundred folks cheered so hard, the logos on their shirts morphed into greek letters. These folks did not giggle at the thought of the most famous band in the world being there on a monday for free... I know, I know, it could happen, in Narnia. So then the flip flop gang with a case of PBR toes then booed when he admitted it was actually Creed who was playing. How can you boo a band that sounds like they are booing when they sing and play? You are just being their chorus pedal my friends.

WHO ARE THEY?

Spring Hill Spider Party has been called a mix between Creed, Plastic Clap, Depeche Mode, Glitter Dragon, The Worsties and Radiohead so the cheers were understood, but never the boo's. We were Boo'ed hard. Boo safe sex, but never perfect dance music. Some folks wrote that the spider party sucked, sucked and sucked some more, but I'm sure they were slurring and meant that the band suckled, suckled at the teet of infamy. Thank you friends. See you at the Franklin Wolfgang Pucks on Sunday.

THE HATRED:

They said SHSP weren't even trying to play their instruments correctly which is clearly meant to be an insult since most parties involved said we played the hell out of that ipod and six pack of brews. God, how we danced in the soft rise of dawn.

Wishful thinking broke many hearts that night, except for the fifty folks not adorned with frosted tips for their alt-Christian rock band. God bless those sweat-beasts who stayed and danced their tight Baptist asses off. These blossoming gems understood that maybe, just maybe they actually liked the spider party more than the Kings of Leon because not only doth bands wear vests with no shirts underneath, but SHSP gets how hilarious that look really is. It's like Mad Max and The Gambler if the movies were set in an American Apparel.

Hey team, google GG Allin and Andy Kaufman and watch your mind get blown harder than Amy Grant on Vince Gill's summer tour bus.

Work on your party face, or your face will get worked by the party, the spider party.

Sincerely, The spring hill spider party.

Dr. Carlos Mandible