Monday, April 13, 2009
Cream / Creamtastic Good Morning Campers, It's Time to THRASH!!!
Posted by Sean Maloney on Mon, Apr 13, 2009 at 9:00 AM
Just like Jeebus, I'm back from the dead and ready to lay some heavy shiz on ya. It's Monday, you probably shouldn't have eaten that fourth helping of ham and it's time about time you got some exercise--you're lookin' a little doughy there pal. I'd recommend blast-beats for breakfast every morning if you want to get that gut in shape in time for bikini season.
The soundtrack for your cubicle calisthenics and the result of a random-ass algorithm after the jump....
Leeway, "Be Loud"
OK, we're gone start this off slow with a little stretch I like to call "picking up change." Spread your feet about shoulder-width apart with your clenched fists extended straight in front of you. Slowly, bring one fist back to your chest while keeping the other extended. Repeat this action, changing arms each time while bending from the waist and moving your torso to a position parallel to the ground. Keep alternating arms and now you're "picking up change"! Can you feel the burn? Oh ya, feeeeeel the burn.
Anthrax, "Among the Living/Caught in a Mosh" (Live 2005)
Up next we're going to get the blood pumpin' with something I like to call "the no-neck stomp", named for the roid-ragin' hardcore kids I grew up with. First, you're going to have to scowl--and remember, it takes more muscles to frown than smile, so you're burning calories with every grimace. Now lift one knee to your waist and meet it with the corresponding elbow. Now do it with your other leg and begin to move forward. Remember to lift your legs high and keep your back straight--the more you look like an angry marionette, the better you'll feel. You can feel that right? That's what it feels like to WIN!
Pantera, "Mouth for War"
This next set is going to be a combination of things we've learned and a new move that I think you'll love. We're going to start with the "no-neck stomp" and continue circling in a menacing way until the guitar solo. While Dimebag lays down the crazy riffage, ease into the "picking up change" form and listen carefully for the change. When the change hits, jump with all your might, striving to get your feet high above your head. Flailing your arms can help you get there. Don't forget, if you break something that means your doing it right. BURN, BABY, BURN!
Megadeth, "Hangar 18"
Now for the cooldown - just bang your head while shaking it out. You deserve it. Plus, this video has too much alien-autopsy awesomeness not to watch.
Also, will somebody please explain this little bit of "related video" randomness:
"That suit looks like it was bought in a gay thrift store." That's how they're related, I guess. Neil Hamburger's line from Bonnie Prince Billy's ad for The Letting Go is the only tangible connection I could find to the '80s thrash outfit and middle school graffiti icons, D.R.I. (Or Dirty Rotten Imbeciles if you're not into that whole brevity thing.) Maybe there's some sort of thrash-folk hipster revival bullshit going on that nobody told me about, but frankly it just seems random. Sure there were a couple of greasy, accountant looking dudes in the D.R.I., but there was no "Dudes that look like Neil Hamburger" tag that I could find. Granted, I'm not a huge Will Oldham fan and he could have collaborated with The Moshing Guys on one of his 18 bajillion records, but I feel like I would have listened to that one. Maybe the internet is trying to say something about my habit of watching metal videos while my wife is at work--the interwebs work in mysterious ways. If you can find a connection, leave it in the comments.
D.R.I., "Suit And Tie Guy"
Bonnie Prince Billy, The Letting Go advert
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