Thursday, April 2, 2009
Cream Born to Run: The Highs--And Oh So Many Lows--of Dating a Musician
Posted by Tracy Moore on Thu, Apr 2, 2009 at 9:00 AM
You could say this week's cover story was some 20 years in the making. It's all about the perks and pitfalls of dating musicians, something I've been doing since I was about, oh, 13 years old. It's true, I've never dated a bass player or drummer, or even a keyboardist for that matter, but what I've learned from dudes who play guitar--and I'm not talking about the Nashville Number System--could fill the local library. OK, maybe just the Thompson Lane branch.
Still, rather than tell my personal--and frankly, quite fascinating--tale, there were far better candidates out there, and I let those ladies do the talking. And oh, did they talk. Two things worth mentioning up front:
1. Readers will quickly notice when perusing this story that it is all about women who date musicians, and there is nary a non-musician man in the story quoted about what's it like to be a guy dating a female musician. That's because I couldn't find a dude currently dating a female musician who wasn't also a musician. What gives? All female musicians seem to be with other musicians. Enlighten me, someone. I have my theories--that the female artist with the dumb, attractive arm candy for a boyfriend is still a relatively new idea (thanks, Madonna!), and that chick musicians are more likely to look for collaborators and equals. Shania Twain married her producer. Does Victoria Beckham count? And yes, not all musician dudes go for arm candy, but shit, we all know what rock videos look like.
2. I'm a big fan of musicians. They're weird and wacky and wonderful, assuming they can actually string a sentence together. They are also idealists, tilting at windmills in an industry that's damn near certain to crush them eventually. I'm also married to a musician, lest anyone think this piece was some sort of revenge kill. Sure, like anyone, I've been burned by a musician before (we don't have to talk about it!), but I've been burned by non-musicans as well. The only difference is the former is more likely to leave you with lots of high-interest debt. Bah-dum-dum. But possibly also a lot of good records.
But interestingly, I still learned a lot from this piece anyway. And the biggest thing I learned is right after the jump.
It turns out that Dave Paulson of The Privates is like the greatest dude in the universe.
Also:
Some women can walk into a room and whichever guy they find the most attractive somehow just ends up being a musician.
Most of the women I talked to are ladies drawn to creative types in general, and they just don't seem to meet writers and painters and sculptors and actors. This town is lousy with musicians as we all know. They were also all incredibly smart, talented and accomplished people. Not one of them was anything like the stereotype of the fame-hungry groupie.
The idea that having songs written about you is the greatest thing in the world is actually a total misconception. Most women think it's really sweet but also pretty awkward, even sort of mortifying.
Someone mentioned to me that the cover story rang really true in many ways for a lot of this person's friends, only those friends weren't dating musicians--they were dating doctors.
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Musicians are hilarious. This story made me crack up several times. The story should be split up to just have one section on how absolutely insane drummers are. That would be even more fun. But seriously, some musicians have it together more that others obviously, but it's gotta be this way otherwise all the music would suck. Their crazy lifestyle is just how it has to be. Period.
You never hear a dude say "I met the greatest girl over the weekend. She's in a band."
If you mean drummers are insane because we have way too many girlfriends-- correct! It just happens.
i think anytime people get to speak anonymously (such as the women interviewed in this piece) you get a skewed viewpoint. with the exception of jack lawrence's ex (who was probably screwed as royally as the piece details, although we don't hear both sides), the other women were not speaking of specific relationships with actual band members. i mean it was a great article; well written, and the band-jokes were timed very well, but sometimes the subjects of the piece were banal.
You never hear a dude say "I met the greatest girl over the weekend. She's in a band."
Not in so many words, but I've said that before.
My experience is that people who would date you because you are a musician are usually not worth dating. They're in love with an ideal, a fictional being.
Dating someone with similar musical taste however, is the fucking bee's knees.
Drummers aren't insane- we're just in high demand, baby.
i actually take back what i just said about tracy's piece (except for the part about thinking the jokes were funny) -- i overestimate what i think i know about journalism (not that anyone cares).
burrito: You said it, brother--high demand!
Why must I just be a piece of meat to them??? I know my ass looks great from all that double bass but I'M A PERSON TOO!
Why isnit anyone stating the fact that this piece was dull, boring, had no real point was made. It just feels like this massive filler story that is meant to graze the reader with a hint of amusement. Nothing of real interest was said. Nothing of substance was presented to create any offense. Its just frustrating to see a paper so intentionally capitalizing on the city where they are based. And then not even putting much thought beyond general cliches into the work itself.
I haven't read the story yet, so I don't know if marriage is addressed. But, I will say that if you think it's hard dating a musician, marrying one REALLY sucks. Just ask my wife!
i would say HH makes it pretty clear that the writing of USA Today is not up his alley. To HH's comment I would have to say write your own fucking article.
i only dated a musician once. It was the greatest thing ever for about 3 months and then all of a sudden, she made sure it was one the worst decisions i've ever made.
but, from the sidelines, i rarely cease to be amazed from the stories i get of female friends dating dude musicians. seems to me, songwriters especially -- folks who make it their life's work to observe and surmise the human condition through prose -- are both very analytical and self-aware. Every moment, interaction and event is duly noted as they try and live the shit out of every situation to make life that much more interesting.
this is a nice of way of saying "drama queen". and in actuality, rather than extrapolate life from a situation, most tend to inject the drama to make it an event worth of documenting.
Agreed HH. Cliche fo sho! Raconteurs bassist Marty McFly gossip, drummer jokes, and a Yoko Ono reference. C'mon Scene! Leave the style over substance to Heather Byrd.
Ashley and wh, why trash someone for raising a legitimate concern? This article was a lot like the "Not Playing Here" article last year - in essence a fluff piece with interviews and "research" to make it look like journalism.
It could have taken up the amount of space that the Spin usually occupies each week, but instead it's a cover story that's simply amusing at best. It speaks more about the writer's ego and lack of insight than it does about the "issue" itself. So you've dated musicians. Neat. So have I. But is that worthy of a COVER story?
The article's half baked. There's no counter opinion from the guys, ESPECIALLY Jack Lawrence, who comes off looking like an asshole simply because Mrs. Moore took a female slant to the article. There's another side to that story...where is it? If he didn't respond to interview requests, that's one thing. But to take Ms. Craig's side of the story and weave it into yours, there should have been more of an ethical concern for who's not represented. Not to mention there was only one couple's perspective who aren't in the rock scene.
I realize it's supposed to be a lighthearted take on a concern that is admittedly a Nashville phenomenon, but this thing reads like it should have been printed in Elle right next to "The 10 Things Your Man Loves In Bed."
I hate to even contribute to this, but Jack isn't an ass, in fact one of the nicer more down to earth people I've met around town.
Is there any mention of what happens with these ladies when people have to go work a, for the majority of the time, thankless, dirty job on the road.
I guess if you come back from tour and sense, or figure out that you partner has been drinking way too much, doing drugs, and possibly cheating on you, you become an asshole.
I would really like to know the answer to that -- was Jack Lawrence approached for an interview? I would have appreciated hearing his side of things. Doesn't seem fair to let his ex spew her bitter side of things without some counter balance.
Why hasn't anyone taken a crack at guessing what local musician's crotch is in the cover photo? I really want to see people's guesses.
Well I already know whose pack that is. But if I didn't, I would guess Chris Crofton.
"Its just frustrating to see a paper so intentionally capitalizing on the city where they are based."
That blew my mind.
Based on .3 seconds of sleuthing (I clicked on the link to the story), I'd wager the crotch belongs to Dave from the Tits.
I read the article, it did seem to be a little more "Metromix" than a Scene cover story.
For the record, almost all the musicians I know have good jobs, steady income, and no problem paying the rent. Some ladies have been hanging out with the wrong bands.
I don't think Jack Lawrence, like, HAS a side of the story. I've been hearing about this story from various people all over town (as well as in the Scene's coverage), & I've never heard anyone mention that JL has a different version of the facts -- let alone explain *what* that alternate version would be. The most I've ever heard is people in these comments sections being "well, we haven't heard his side of the story." Lawrence brought this beef into the public domain by going to court; if he thinks he's being misrepresented, it's up to him to step up & say something.
Being a female who has only dated musicians since moving to nashville (just because thats all there is here, not because I seek them out), this article was funny to me. Quite true. I would have loved to contribute, I have great stories, but I would of had to remain anonymous. This article seems more of a fun side project than a piece of journalism. Next you should write about the "10 ways to get a musician" That would be just as funny.
But giving one party in an ongoing legal dispute a forum to air their grievances and not giving the other party a chance to defend themselves isn't good journalism. That's why I'm asking: Was Lawrence even approached? If he was, and chose "no comment" that's fine (commendable even, for refusing to continue this battle in public); but usually journalists include a line saying "Lawrence was approached for comment and declined" so that readers don't have to wonder. Just sayin.
Honestly, If i were Jack Lawrence, i would not put a thought, much less an actual interview into the scene. Im sure he has better things to worry about than the stupid nashville scene. I think Kelly was very mature and professional about it. Its not like she ripped him a new asshole via a stupid article in the scene. It was factual, it happened, it hurt and now its everybody's business. Get a life.
I'm glad I read this explanation, Tracy, because I did feel like the article itself portrayed women as talentless hangers-on who live vicariously through their talented (if directionless) boyfriends. This is the kind of harmful mythology that female musicians, and organizations like Southern Girls Rock and Roll Camp, are trying so hard to dispel.
I think it would have been more effective if you mentioned your inability to find any female musicians who dated non-musician men within the printed article.
Besides initially being offended by the lack of gender equality in your article, I was also taken aback by how hetero-centric it was. There are plenty of gay musicians, too, and I'm sure some of us date non-musicians. Did you talk to any of them?
I'm really tired of the Scene publishing "How To..." and "Pros and Cons" type pieces that are written for straight women in relation to men. In this respect, your publication might as well be Seventeen Magazine because it is just as alienating to gay readership. I read about two sentences of the entire Valentine's edition because it made no effort to include gay people in an issue all about love and relationships. Gay people love each other, too. Please take this into consideration before publishing another piece like this.
I'm not mad, just frustrated.
On a lighter note, I am a female musician dating another female musician and I am happy to report that there is no drama in our relationship that stems from our musical endeavors. The high and lows can be attributed to other things ;)
Im sorry, but you forgot to mention rockstars dating movie stars. You know we are people too, and we date musicians too. What about pamela anderson and tommy lee, jennifer anniston and john mayer??? what? you couldnt get an interview with any of them? Who CAN you get an interiew with?? doesnt nicole kidman live in nashville? did anyone even try to reach her?
Whatev! Caldwell is so dreamy...nothing could slow his roll. Le sigh...a grrl can always dream!
sometimes, I don't mind "doing merch" for a bit, but mostly, I'm too embarassed. Oh, and I'll also NEVER be that girl in the front of the stage trying to kiss my boyfriend right before he "goes on." Oh, and secretly I want to log in to the bands myspace just to read the messages from all the teenie bopper girls that are snagging pictures with their arm around my boyfriend posting captions like "katie's man" all over myspace and facebook... but thats just when I'm really bored that I try to break into the account.... Oh, what a life.
hello ANONYMOUS (ha)
"I guess if you come back from tour and sense, or figure out that you partner has been drinking way too much, doing drugs, and possibly cheating on you, you become an asshole."
geesh....sorry for partyin', dude. i was just tryin' to have a good time while my man was on tour. give a girl a break.
i was raised by a musician and then married one, so it was nice to see something written about the other side of things. i agreed with some things in the article/disagreed with others, but i realize everyone's situation is different. i'm glad i grew up in a musicians' household. i learned many things from my parents, but most importantly the tools for having a healthy, loving and trusting relationship (regardless of chosen professions). i realize that there are stereotypes about the "musician's lifestyle", but with my dad & my husband, i see a true passion for music. i could write a novel about this topic, but since no one asked for my opinion, i'll leave it at that!
i definitely agree with jordan. i felt like i was reading a gossip column. i've been reading the Scene for something like 12 years, and while i've always understood the Scene to be gay-friendly, it's often obvious just how often the gay readership is overlooked or marginalized.
this article was just a bunch of bullshit stereotypes. maybe these girls just do not have what it takes to keep the guy. and boys will be boys. i know just as many non musician losers as i do musicians.
coming from someone who is in a great relationship with a musician . if the guy is a good guy it does not matter if he happens to be a musician. thats not why i am with him. he is great and i will support him forever,
i think this article was awful. maybe its just the difference of real musicians and wanna be rock stars.
the lifestyle is playing music. not all the bullshit.
if the musician is a trusting person they are a trusting person does not matter if they play music.
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