Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Five 33 1/3 Books I Hope Never See the Light of Day

Posted By on Wed, Mar 25, 2009 at 7:36 AM

click to enlarge Please, please don't let this be what I think it is...
  • Please, please don't let this be what I think it is...
Continuum Books, publishers of the awesome one-album-one-book 33 1/3 series, announced yesterday that, um, they aren't announcing the next round of titles yet. There's some sort of "economy" thing going around that is effecting their production schedule--a likely story, I'm sure. Jim Cramer tells me that everything is great and my portfolio of trash can fires, fingerless gloves and ketchup soup should keep me rolling in spare change until it's time to sleep in the great cardboard box in the sky.

So, in the spirit giving and recessionary record geek solidarity, I present five albums that would be sheer commercial suicide....

click to enlarge 33_20book_201.jpg

Dee Dee King - Standing in the Spotlight

If you were Dee Dee Ramone and you were looking for a job would you include "pioneering white rapper" on your resume? Sure, it shows potential employers that you have initiative and are willing to innovate against all better judgment, but do you think they would want to hire the direct antecedent of Kottonmouth Kings and Jimmy's Chicken Shack? My instincts tell me no.

click to enlarge 33_20book_202.jpg

Lucas - Lucacentric

Nothing says honest-to-god rap credibility like the nation of Denmark. In fact, the only way you could possibly gain more street cred in this hardscrabble rap game is if your father had founded a popular, high-end retail chain filled with pastel knick-knackery like, say, Pottery Barn. Real gangstas do real things--whether their lids are on OR off.

click to enlarge 33_20book_203.jpg

Urban Dance Squad - Mental Floss for the Globe

Surprise, surprise, so you rub your eyes never knew UDS was, um, cuckoo-eyed? Poached and fried? Wearing bolo ties? Doesn't matter really, because they're Dutch and the Dutch don't really have a great track record with the American pop charts--we are talking about the country that gave us Golden Earring and 2 "Get Ready For This!!!" Unlimited. But they had a pretty good baseball team in the Classic, so I'll cut 'em some slack.

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Bloodhound Gang - Use Your Fingers

In a career that redefined "sophomoric", the Bloodhound Gang's freshman effort really pushes the boundaries of good taste and bad judgment. Sure it could be argued that the hook on "She Ain't Got No Legs" is damn catchy but lines like "turn you upside down to hold my beer" will make even the most ribald, suburban knuckle-dragger cringe. The only thing more offensive to delicate senses than the frat-boy beatbox antics of "Your Pretty When I'm Drunk" is the fact that they got signed to a major label--TWICE!!! I will never understand that.

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Len - You Can't Stop The Bum Rush

A taut mystery unravels as our intrepid hero tries to stop sunshine from being stolen. Who is stealing all of this alleged light and why? Are they building a death ray? Does the sunshine hold the magical secret to career longevity? Because if it does, this Canadian pop group would really like to hang onto said sunshine--the residuals from the Digimon OST aren't exactly keepin' the lights on.

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