Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Creamtastic Five 33 1/3 Books I Hope Never See the Light of Day
Posted by Sean Maloney on Wed, Mar 25, 2009 at 7:36 AM
So, in the spirit giving and recessionary record geek solidarity, I present five albums that would be sheer commercial suicide....
Dee Dee King - Standing in the Spotlight
If you were Dee Dee Ramone and you were looking for a job would you include "pioneering white rapper" on your resume? Sure, it shows potential employers that you have initiative and are willing to innovate against all better judgment, but do you think they would want to hire the direct antecedent of Kottonmouth Kings and Jimmy's Chicken Shack? My instincts tell me no.
Lucas - Lucacentric
Nothing says honest-to-god rap credibility like the nation of Denmark. In fact, the only way you could possibly gain more street cred in this hardscrabble rap game is if your father had founded a popular, high-end retail chain filled with pastel knick-knackery like, say, Pottery Barn. Real gangstas do real things--whether their lids are on OR off.
Urban Dance Squad - Mental Floss for the Globe
Surprise, surprise, so you rub your eyes never knew UDS was, um, cuckoo-eyed? Poached and fried? Wearing bolo ties? Doesn't matter really, because they're Dutch and the Dutch don't really have a great track record with the American pop charts--we are talking about the country that gave us Golden Earring and 2 "Get Ready For This!!!" Unlimited. But they had a pretty good baseball team in the Classic, so I'll cut 'em some slack.
Bloodhound Gang - Use Your Fingers
In a career that redefined "sophomoric", the Bloodhound Gang's freshman effort really pushes the boundaries of good taste and bad judgment. Sure it could be argued that the hook on "She Ain't Got No Legs" is damn catchy but lines like "turn you upside down to hold my beer" will make even the most ribald, suburban knuckle-dragger cringe. The only thing more offensive to delicate senses than the frat-boy beatbox antics of "Your Pretty When I'm Drunk" is the fact that they got signed to a major label--TWICE!!! I will never understand that.
Len - You Can't Stop The Bum Rush
A taut mystery unravels as our intrepid hero tries to stop sunshine from being stolen. Who is stealing all of this alleged light and why? Are they building a death ray? Does the sunshine hold the magical secret to career longevity? Because if it does, this Canadian pop group would really like to hang onto said sunshine--the residuals from the Digimon OST aren't exactly keepin' the lights on.
Comments (13)
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Morning!
I just remembered Henry's rendering from a couple months back.
Great minds, you know...
And yes, you can use the name Henry's Rendering when math rock comes back.
I'd love to see Henry write a book about Helmet. Meantime is one of the best albums of the last twenty years.
I totally forgot that MC Skat Kat did a full length!!! I'm hoping they get Klosterman to do "Jive Bunny:The Album Tracks" by Jive Bunny and the Mixmasters.
oh man. that UDS record was the soundtrack to my first semester of 7th grade. "Deeper Shade of Soul" is still a pretty sweet jam in my book.
i still have your copy of the dee king album....though i doubt you badly want it back...
That's where it is! I thought I might have lent it to Cottle before he disappeared...well, it looks like I've got a reason to go Murfreesboro...
Have you seen this photo set from SXSW? You look like a guy that just got busted jacking off in front of an elementary school in picture #4.
I'm still holding out for White Blood Cells by Ben Blackwell, which has actually been submitted to 33 1/3 already.
Who can forget the record so integral to so many McDonaldland birthday parties, Totally Krossed Out? It made me want to jump, jump so hard that my pants turned around backwards.
Seriously, though, I'd love to read one on My Life in the Bush of Ghosts. Who should write it?
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