Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Creamtastic Bass Face: a National Concern
Posted by Ashley Spurgeon on Wed, Dec 31, 2008 at 1:04 PM
You know what's awesome? Rock shows. The combination of dank room, cold beer and loud, sexy rock in your face come together to create the world's best distraction. Life's problems slip away as you look at and listen to the dedicated men and women of rock. It's all good times party times until you see something odd out of the corner of your eye. Is it the bass player? Yes. Is he pulling a retarded face, jarring you back into useless reality? Almost certainly.
You know exactly what I'm talking about. The bass player, in all his sweet-groovin' glory, twists and contorts his face into a macabre pantomime of orgasmic release. His eyes flutter open and shut. His lips are pursed outward as if to kiss the face of a lover, and, finding no one, devolve into an Elvis-like sneer. If the frontman's performance is meant to make you fantasize about sex so sordid it frightens you (and it is), then I guess the bass player's role is to remind you of that special boy who first dry humped you next to the dumpster behind the bowling alley.
What is the effin' deal?
It's by no means universal, but it's still a gross and unpleasant phenomenon. No other band member consistently embarrasses themselves on the level of a bassist. The drummer's in the back, too busy with, like, counting and stuff. The singer's got words in his mouth. Guitarists have been dreaming about performing since they were 10 and know better than to look a fool. Keyboardists and others (sorry!) don't count. Exceptions? When the bassist is also the vocalist, or a woman. This is strictly a dude-only problem.
I've tried to ask around and formulate some theories, but have come up woefully short. The only thing I can imagine is the instrument vibrates at just the right spot on some dudes' crotchal region and the rest is history. It's time for a band meeting. Sit the poor bass player down and ask him WTF is up and can you please stop ruining shows now?
Perpetrators! Explain yourselves. Victims! Share your stories.
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